Dracula #1

See Spidey?  THAT'S how you make a cool intro pic

You thought I was going to review more Morbius, didn't you?

Well, Marvel Unlimited refuses to find issues he's in before Vampire Tales, and Dracula got the spotlight before that series came out.

This is the beginning of the Rocky Horror Picture Show

The car crashes.  When stories have someone in a car they a) crash because they got their license out of a crackerjack box, b) they're attacked and a superhero saves them, or c) they pull up in front of some monster.

Not many brains in Brianboy there

Too bad people say the castle is crap.  Why is he selling it?  Taxes?  Those have got to be high if you own a whole castle.  I wonder: did castles drop in value when the real estate bubble burst?

I misread that as 'Burgermeister'.  Personally, I think that might would make things more interesting

Well, Frank thinks he's going to stinking rich by selling it.  Who buys castles anyway?

Everybody in town says "Twilight hasn't been written yet, dumbass."  But also "You got money, I'm Stephanie Meyer."

Frank asks why everyone is creeped out, specifically because it's supposedly Dracula's castle.  You'd think that'd mean a lot more buys in the 20th century.

He decided walking int he rain, with no one except people who didn't want him to go knowing where he went, and in a thunderstorm with metal umbrellas to ask.

You only brought ten bucks on a vacation to look at real estate? You deserve to be vampire food.

At least they found a convenient carriage driver.  In a thunderstorm.  hey, Frank isn't the only one with dumb ideas.  Clifton tries to rekindle his relationship with the woman Jeanie, and wants to make out.  Sorry, make up.  She wants him to forget the relationship ever happened and wonders why he can't.  Lady, in comics people either remember relationships, or the whole world forgets and you end up in a fridge or written out of existence.

[insert Trump joke here]

Frank has a flashback about how Clifton was the only one who'd help him when Frank was in debt, and how selling he castle was all Clifton's idea because who wouldn't want a haunted castle.  He's got a point.  Install modern plumbing,  put up some posters, add central heating, and I'd buy one.

Only a few seconds after they enter the castle, they're attacked by bats.  Eh, I've had to stay in worse.

Meanwhile Frank is zoning out, thinking he's already seen the place in the past.

I don't care about your damn rabies, Clifton!

Frank thinks he's having flashbacks and ruins the trip for everyone. Honestly, they should just ditch him and leave him with his stupid castle.

I'm getting the feeling we're supposed to be rooting for the castle to kill these people

Clifton agrees with me and decides to just ditch Frank. Unfortunately, the castle liked my other idea. This is why you hire home inspectors.  We can spot hauntings and angry houses before they go after those who live there.

Clifton goes down some convenient stairs and finds a tomb.  It's even conveniently labeled Dracula for the plot.  Clifton opens the tomb thinking he's hit the jackpot.  A castle I can understand, but who's going to buy bones?

Count Chocula dresses better than that

What castle has plumbing like that?  Especially in a mausoleum?

Clifton takes the stake out of the body and walks off.  Why?  What as the point of that?  to sell it on eBay?  Now you have no proof to take a picture of and it's harder to appraise.  No wonder you three are broke.

Great.  Now the castle is full of squatters

What does Clifton do?  He shoots Dracula.

Hey, it was worth a shot (pun intended).

Dracula gets mad and sends him into the cat dimension shadow realm for later.

Meanwhile, the other two start looking for him, only to find a bat that...  Well, this is just silly.

What's the word for reverse melting?

Dracula tries to hypnotize Jeanie, only for Frankie to be an expert in bitchslap and maks her so hard she falls unconscious.

That's werewolves, you idiot

Somehow threatening Dracula with her compact mirror made of silver chases Dracula away.  Hey, I didn't write this.

Frankie writes off Clifton as dead and for some reason, Jeanie is almost dying.  Oh, and They released Dracula on the town, but Frankie doesn't care about that.

Well, the townspeople aren't that dumb.  They know what a vampire-bite victim looks like.

Cue the only good song from Beauty and The Beast.  You heard me.

Dracula returns to the castle.  He says he prefers to chomp on nice girls and not women who taste bitter thanks to greed and hatred. That's after biting one person.

No, Dracula knows the main characters taste the best (usually) and goes after Jeanie, but freaks out once he realizes she's wearing a cross necklace.

That's because it's a trap.  Not a very good one.

Good thing Dracula never called bullshit on this

(picture: Frankie's got balls.  Not brains, but huge balls)

Dracula casually opens up a can of whoop-ass on Frankie and tosses him to the floor before trying to get down to business with Jeanie.  He hypnotizes her to toss her necklace out and her dumbass tosses it out the window to be found by the angry mob which, has finally arrived.

The Head Guy of the angry mob says the cross on the ground means the woman is dead and who the crap cares about the men, so let's play with fire.  

The smoke wakes up Frankie, who finds the compact and tries yet with it.  'Third times the charm ' should not be your motto when it comes to vampire fighting.

Dracula fucks off, as the castle in on fire, Frankie somehow gets Jeanie out, and the mob leaves as they burned before they pillaged.

Except, Jeanie is dead.  But not dead.  You know the drill.

Frankie lets hr wander off to see if she can be an extra in Twilight.  He just wants to know if the castle was insured or if it's now his job to clean up the rubble.

Eventually, Franke Drake will join Blade and another guy to form a badass posse of Vampire killers.  And then he'll be killed off unceremoniously so Blade can be written solo and repetitive.

But that's for later.

Next time: Filler (sort of)

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