Spider-Douchery #18--Sandman

Hooray...oh

The comic starts with villains whining they should have been the one to defeat Spider-Man.  Then we move on to the Avengers shittalking him.  Then Daredevil doubts he's a nice person.  And then we move on to people on the street.  And then onto Jameson gloating about Spider-Man running away.

I'm still wondering why.  Spider-Man could have needed to pee, quit when he realized the Goblin wouldn't hurt anyone, or was trying to lead the Goblin away since the Goblin immediately followed (and did nothing else after he couldn't find Spider-Man.

Next, we move on to Peter doting on Aunt May.  Can we go back to people whining about Spider-Man not fighting a guy who throws toys and wears a Halloween costume?  Peter manages to ditch Aunt May with Miss Watkins.

Maybe if she wasn't chugging it, you wouldn't be running out

Slight tangent: Her name is Watkins, not Watson, yet she's MJ's aunt.  So she's MJ's mom's sister?   She's a 'Miss' in the 1960's (which thinks this is the 1950's), so that means she's unmarried, right?

Now we get to a real plot:  Peter's having trouble concentrating in school because they were already tight on money and now their financial situation is worse.  But he can't tell Aunt May because of her fragile condition.

After some pointlessness, we learn that Peter hasn't been Spider-Man for a while.  Yes, please tell us that and show us something else instead.  Great use of basic storytelling.

Flash still stands up for Spider-Man, yet Peter is still mad at him for...because Peter was a jerk.  Yeah, that attitude isn't going to get old.

Peter, as Spider-Man, tries to sell himself to a new tabloid, but the chief isn't interested.

He then sees a bunch of people about to rob a jewelry store, but decides against it because 'If anything happened to me, who'd look after my poor Aunt May?'  At least he bothers to report the robbery.

When he returns home, he calls Betty and we get this weird exchange.

Consistency.  It gets in the way of scenes that convey nothing.

So Peter checks on Aunt May and then calls Betty again.  Is this a few minutes later or a few hours?  Or the next day?  She doesn't answer anyway.  So he sits and recaps defeating villains, some of which appeared in other comics, and then he decides to try talking to Betty after work.  Betty brushes him off and we get a pointless panel of him still struggling at school, although it doesn't matter., probably tired of him repeating this for over a page and wasting comic space.

Learned WHAT exactly?

Peter decides to dress as Spider-Man and sell his webbing solution to scientists. Who are these scientists and what company do they work for?  Who knows and who cares?  Spider-Man doesn't.  He shows off his webbing and they're all excited, obviously.  It's not like they're going to try to cheat him after he leaves webbing all over their lab. But the webbing dissolves within minutes and they tell him to fuck off until he finds a permanent solution.  Because a temporary sticky solution that can suspend an entire ton by a thread has no real world application.

Spoilers: Peter Parker eventually has his own business and he only uses a more permanent for of webbing to make airbags.  He could use it to make splints, sutures, casts, bandages, and possibly even replace cartilage

So Spider-Man leaves, running into Sandman.  You know what would have avoided this?  Webslinging, like how he entered the lab.

Sandman attacks because he's a moron and Spider-Man runs away because he's a moron.  He's afraid that if anything happens to him, who will take care of Aunt May?  Miss Watkins for one.  Also, this is a problem everyone faces.  What if you get hit by a car?  What if a supervillain you refuse to fight causes an explosion and you're hit by the debris?  What if you get meningitis?  You could choke on cereal and be dead, dude.  There's no point in whining instead of fighting a villain you know you can take easily.

But no, Spider-Man leads Sand-Man through busy traffic instead.  See, this is why people yell at you, Spider-Man.

Delicious?...Never mind, I don't want to know

He manages to duck into an alley and quickly change into Peter Parker.  Sandman finds him as he finishes changing and asks if he's seen Spider-Man.  My god, you guys deserve each other.

So Peter runs home and then bitches about not helicoptering Aunt May enough.  Then he worries they're almost out of medicine.  Again.  Has she been chugging whatever liquid heart medicine he bought, or does the comic not give a shit enough to tell the reader how much time is passing?

Maybe changing the channel would help?

By now (whenever that is), The Human Torch has decided enough is enough and that he want to talk to Spider-Man about what happened.  Y'know, instead of pointing out something simple to the media, like Spider-Man was saving people by luring the Goblin away or he needed a bathroom.  I guess teaching people common sense was too much back then.

The most entertaining part of the comic: a reminder that Reed Richards in useless

So he writes in the sky for Spider-Man to meet him at their last meeting spot.  Yeah, this doesn't look like a trap or a way to attract villains, now is it?  No wonder talking common sense into people is too tall of an order.

Well, Spider-Man doesn't show up.  So much for that...plot?  Filler?  Atmosphere?  Worldbuilding?

Moving on, we have two pointless panels about Flash still saying he likes Spider-Man before actually moving on to a plot about it.  Really, what happens next would be a lot better if Peter had forgotten about Flash by this point.

Anyway, Liz comes in later that night (or the next day) worried about Flash. Flash wants to save Spider-Man's reputation, so instead of going to the newspapers and suggesting yadayada, he decides to stop a crime, namely three people breaking into a car.

Flash gets his ass kicked, but lucky there are police officers around to save him.  That's not a joke.

Think about that.  Peter's useless and just there for show and the police are effective and show both restraint and responsibility and we're only on issue 18.  Flash is devastated.  Not from being beaten up, but because he wanted to attract the real Spider-Man, but his hero never showed up.  Peter had in fact gotten there in time but never showed up, even as Spider-Man.  He was too worried someone could see him change and know his secret identity.  It would be an extremely powerful scene if it didn't try to put the pity on Parker and not Flash.

So if you're not going to change, what is your plan?  Are you going to nerd at them until they stop?

I know Peter's in a tough spot, but he's been acting like crap throughout the whole issue.  Flash doesn't let Peter sympathize because he doesn't believe Peter ever could, so he just yells at Peter to fuck off and quit being mean.  Too bad Peter doesn't learn a lesson in all of this.  Peter's never treated Flash kindly at even when Flash stood up for him as Peter and not Spider-Man.  Flash has no reason to think Peter will be nice and Peter knows it.  Or should know it.  He blows off Flash as the jerk of the situation.

Are we sure this guy is the protagonist here?

He goes to work telling himself Flash is too stupid to be right about anything ever only to finally blame himself for something when he sees Betty having the time of her life with another man.  Of course, he doesn't ask if it's her brother or just a friend.  Otherwise, he'd have done what I've been saying he should have done already.

So he goes home to bitch about their lack of money and how he hates his Spider-Man costume he's still wearing under his clothes.  No, he doesn't think to get photos to get the money for more medicine.  No, he never thought to not wear the costume when he hates it already.  No, he doesn't make sense in this issue and probably won't' make any for a while.

Peter tosses his costume in the trash and then goes to check on his aunt.  He freaks out that she's walking around.  He bitches at her too, and finally someone calls him out of it.

Except for One More Day.  I'll quit in a second if you try to move on with you life and enjoy married life without me 

And then the doctor teleports in.  No, don't show him coming int the door or even knocking, just confuse people by changing the background from the same color as the sky indoors to making it look like someone peed all over the walls.

Doc says he's fine and then he vanishes without a trace. Great, more filler for a filler comic.

And that's how it ends, saying this is a filler comic.  He takes Aunt May's advice the puts the Spider-Man costume on.  Thankfully we get a much better version of this in a few decades.

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