Spider-Douchery #17--Green Goblin Again (plus Human Torch)

The comic starts out with Peter in school wondering what the Green Goblin is up to, since it's been a while since Peter's tangled with him.  Really?  You completely forget about Doc Ock, who has tried to murder people and has dealt with murderous flunkies, and yet you can't wait to hear about the guy in purple underwear who hires flunkies with slightly more dignity than those in the circus you just fought last issue? You had more trouble with Kraven and the solution to stopping him was 'take a nap and you'll be fine' and 'now how magnets and sound work'.

Meanwhile, said Goblin is practicing using new weapons on a Spider-Man mannequin and has upgraded to his iconic glider.  I'll admit, I never cared for the Green Goblin's design or color scheme for a villain, but he's made his mark as a villain when the comic dropped 'girls are passive aggressive and this is funny' and mixed Peter having to act like a mature grown-up while getting involved in actual plots.  He still needs all he can get when it comes to dignity, and I'll admit the glider gives him a big boost in that department.

So what does the lucky charm do? Is it magically delicious?

Then we cut to Flash announcing he's making a Spider-Man fanclub and everyone's excited about it.  Whoop-de-doo.  Liz invites Peter over to join, hoping he'll suddenly become a mind-reader and ask her out.  Flash points out the truth that Peter's been saying he doesn't like sPider-Man or spiders to the point that he insulted Liz over it.  So Liz becomes determined to get Peter into the Spider-Man fanclub...for reasons?

And then Peter just walks off.  Because fuck school when you're magically a genius, I guess.  He notices an obvious commotion about people pointing and gawking and sees they're in awe of people in costumes robbing a bank.  So he goes and stops them and asks what's up and gets some context about the situation, right?  Nope, we have to wait a hundred issues for that to happen.  He shows off, then threatens to beat them up, only to find out it's for a movie before beating the crap out of an unarmed civilian.

Spider-Man gets yelled at and he changes back into Peter Parker.  Apparently, news travels fast when you're stupid--or at least stupid news travels fast when you're stupid (this might explain a lot of America's current events).  Jameson hears about it and wants to print it a story about it.  I'm sure how everyone's already gossiping about it, they'd want to read about what they already know.  Peter says he's only there to walk Betty home.

Because using common sense would just be too hard to fit into your schedules

She gets the hint and is happy he's hitting on her, but it all goes down the drain when they happen to pass by Liz and Flash, who are hanging out at the news stand.  No, really, she's still mad that Liz is talking to Peter.  Not even Peter's that immature (yet).

Peter actually acknowledges that Betty hates Liz talking to him in front of her and yet, Betty won't acknowledge that he's trying to solve the situation through understanding and moving away from the problem.  She's' not having it.  She hates that Liz talked to him (not that he acknowledged Liz).

Is Liz any better?  Barely.  Liz pushed a newspaper in Peter's face to show off how rich she is. No, she didn't buy all the newspapers or the stand or a paper printed on gold. She shows him an add she had her daddy pay for that advertises the Spider-Man fanclub's first meeting being held at some fancy place, which her dad also paid for. The ad says Spider-Man will show up for the event.

Peter decides he's had enough to Liz and continues to walk Betty home.  As he does so, he passes Norman Osborne in the crowd and his spider-senses go off.  Peter has no clue who Norman Osborne is.  The reader doesn't know who Norman Osborne is.  I don't think Marvel has a clue who Norman Osborne is at this point.  So this is just some guy walking down the street and hopefully you remembered what color suit and hat he wore in one single panel while keeping up with the rest of the plot.

Peter finishes walking Betty home, but it doesn't help.  Shes' mad that another woman realizes he exists.  That's totally his fault, right?  No wonder he grows up to have a victim-complex.  Once she thanks him by telling him to piss off, he changes into Spider-Man and goes to look for whoever set off his spidey senses.

He starts following someone who he thinks is the right guy, despite his spider-senses not going off. So much for genius.  Again.  He gets bored, changes back into Peter, and then nearly walks right into the same guy after he hears someone call him a thief and demand someone stop him.

Tha'ts not something the readers want to know, Spidey

And yet his spider-senses aren't going off.  At some point, he's going to use those spider-senses to beat up Michael Morbius so bad the man will be barely conscious, and then nearly kill Michael and leave him to get third-degree burns in the sun with no chance of can him after his spider-senses aren't going off at all (when they should have alerted him to turn around and see the real villain two feet behind him and manipulating Michael).  I'm halfway convinced, Spider-Man fakes can't tell his spider-senses from gas.

Moving on, Marvel actually bothers to give consistency for its nonsense when the thief is stopped by the Human torch, who destroyed the gun with his flame powers, but didn't hurt the culprit.  He usually does that, often while flipping physics the bird.  Yep, the guy always causing problems for the Fantastic Four because he's too immature to sit still and not act up is a lot more responsible than Spider-Man.

He melted the gun and left the man's hand unharmed.  And that's from someone who isn't a genius

Predictably, the Human Torch starts giving out free autographs and saying nice things while Peter is a dick and consequently gets snubbed by a little kid for it.

And then it's the next day.  Because screw sticking to one scene or event for more than three panels.  Aunt May wants Peter to go out on a date with Mary Jane.  Again.  He doesn't want to.  Again.

At this point, you have to ask 'Why?'  Betty is obviously not mature enough to be in a relationship unless she's the only female on the planet (and she'd probably get mad at Peter is a gay guy wanted his attention), and you might as well be gay when it comes to Liz.  Why not go hang out with MJ?  You can always say it was just a favor to your aunt.

That is the happiest mummy I've ever seen

Meanwhile, The Spider-Man Fanclub's first meeting is held in a really snazzy joint.  It looks like where people would hold lunch during the Golden Globes Awards.  Spider-Man swings in to soak up praise for...something The Daily Bugle didn't blame him for, I guess.  Oh, and Johnny Storm came for some reason and Jameson came...for some reason.

The women have been acting so stupid int he same way, the writer forgot which was which.  Or stopped caring

From offscreen, the Green Goblin tosses a toy frog a Spider-Man's webbing and it explodes.  The frog does; the webbing just breaks.  Why not throw it at Spider-Man and do damage?  I'm still trying to figure out how the Green Goblin can hide even int he shadows of a brightly lit fancy dinner place.

Everyone panics for some reason.  I thought a Spider-Man fanclub would know a little bit more about Spider-Man, but that's just me.

The artists also forgot not to draw Peter in the crowd

Then the Green Goblin reveals himself.  Now if this were the cool cartoon Spider-Man from the 90's he'd point out that he was just thinking of the Green Goblinand his appeareance is oddly contrived.  Just like stories with plot convenience and contrivances. But no, this is early Spidey and doesn't web up the goblin or try to evacuate the place.  He just leaps around as the Goblin throws sparklers and a toy bat that casts deeper darkness.

Then again, the artist has no idea what 'darkened' is

Don't worry, the spider-sense is back in time for Spider-man to roll out of the cloud of pure dark before a pumpkin bomb with less force that it takes to blow up a real pumpkin hits him.

Because who cares that you two could get killed right now?

Think we've got enough plots now?  Liz and Betty both trying to seduce Peter from the other, the Green Goblin trying to kill Spider-Man, Jameson crashing the club, Aunt May trying to hook Peter up with MJ, Peter's jealousy over the Human Torch...did I miss one?

Apparently, I did

Liz doesn't.  She gets suspicious that Peter and Spider-Man are never around at the same time.

I'm gonna say the artists still doesn't know what 'dark' means

That gets Johnny all jealous and now he wants to add another plot.  He turns int the human torch and threatens the Goblin.  That's three seconds at most and in that time Spider-Man has run off to hide and changed into Peter Parker, complete with coat and tie.  He runs up and starts talking to Liz (I thought he wanted to make Betty happy?  Surely Liz would notice that.  He might even get lucky and Liz would get a clue.)

To answer my question, he just now spots Betty. How'd he miss her?  Or at last miss Jameson?

Meanwhile, The green Goblin is launching toys that create any-oxygen clouds that stick to people.  Why not sell this shit to Stark's company as weapons?  What is the motivation for the Goblin now?  Being whacky?

So Peter runs off to fight the Goblin again.  Why not meet Liz and excuse yourself to the bathroom?  Or, since it's such a huge crowd you couldn't find Betty, just say you were there, but didn't see Liz the next day and prove it because you know about all the major stuff that happened?

The gas seems to be heat seeking, so the Human torch makes hi own hand real hot and burns away the gas.  Then he decides to follow the Goblin, but is blinded by the thick black cloud the glider gives off suddenly.  Why not move up or down and continue to follow him?

Why?  Because we needed to waste a whole panel to show the Goblin throwing stun bombs at the Human Torch.

How do they expect to get down?  By using the levitation other building?

And then Spider-Man shows back up.  Why bother with the Liz and Betty nonsense?  They'll still hate each other without wasting our time.

And then...

Um...

Oh hey, they're hitting each other.

Oh no!  We went a page without a new plot.  We can't have that.

Spider-Man happens to swing by a guy answering the phone (I thought that was what an office not part of the main room was for).  The guy on the phone loudly announces that Peter's Aunt has had another heart attack.  Not only that rude, but I think it might be a violation of something.

So Spider-Man runs away and everyone boos him.  Calm down guys, maybe the guy has to pee or needs to add change to the meter.  It's not like the Green Goblin is doing anything to anyone BUT Spider-Man and the Human Torch.

Heck, the Green Goblin says 'Fuck this', distracts the Human Torch and flies off after whatever the heck these are after Spider-Man.

If he didn't hit you, why is your glider on fire?  Or is 'missed' another word the artist has trouble with

Just change into Peter and let the FAA handle the Goblin.

And he does.  No really.  He changes back into Peter to go see Aunt May.  The Human Torch turns back into Johnny and unlike everyone else, he's sure there's a real reason Spider-Man bailed.  Even his girlfriend, who was berating him in the beginning about not letting his rivalry with Spider-Man get the best of him is proud of his assumption.

Is Brooklyn the same size as the Neighborhood of Make-Believe?

But not everyone with a name is mature.  Liz wonders where Peter went, Betty is upset Liz interacted with Peter, and Jameson runs off to print that Spider-Man didn't want to fight a grown man who plays with toys and wears underpants on the outside.

In fact, the whole fan-club except for Flash completely ditch over what they all thought was an act and in which Spider-Man could be leading the Goblin away from them or just needing the bathroom.  The even got to be at an amazing convention hall. What whiners.  Even Flash deserves better than those putzes.

And so Peter contemplates quitting being Spider-Man.

This would be dramatic if he hadn't done it in the first issue.  Or if his angst made any damn sense.

The End.

WHAT THE HELL IS HE SWINGING ON?:  0 (although he did some whacky unexplained antics there)

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