Yes. 30 Spider-Man reviews. The big Three-Oh.
And it's the first-ever appearance of... Someone who will be replaced by Felicia Harding.
Oh boy.
I like Felicia the same way I like Ned Leeds. She is so very often barely a character. Instead, she's boobs, has an unhealthy erotic fixation on Spider-Man (and in the Ultimate Universe at least she at least utter rejected him for being a minor instead of thinking being a predator was just a mild setback), boobs, a mob boss the same way the Goodfellas are mob members, boobs, just plain stupid, in a literal catfight, or boobs in a fridge. She even tries to steal Peter's company. No, not a hostile takeover, but in the sawm stupid fashion it would be if Carmen Sandiego ran off with the US Presidency.
Felicia has more of a character in the 80's Spider-Man cartoon where Morbius couldn't say the word Blood, despite that word being 90% of the theme song.
But, weirdly, this has nothing to do with her.
Yes, whoever's reading this, the first Spider-Man comic to tease about a cat burglar is just that. Some random guy who got a discount at the Liefeld Store because the item didn't have enough pouches. And that's the most interesting thing about him.
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| Oh, right. The cover. |
Right off the bat, this happened:
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| Thanks, guy I plan to cheat on! |
And this happened:
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| Quick! 7cc's of orange juice, stat! |
Riveting stuff, huh?
The interesting stuff happens right behind Peter. Is it the Black Cat? No, it's some random guy calling himself a cat burglar. Not even THE cat burglar.
We see him narrating to himself about breaking in, being careful of alarms, blowing open a safe, and yet it's only insinuated he actually took anything.
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| Those eyes. They're staring into my soul. |
After one more panel pf Jameson, the comic goes right back to The Cat as he now calls himself, stealing more stuff. this time he's stealing uranium while the armored car is still in motion. Screw Felicia, thjis guys' got balls; why can't he be a regular villain?
And then Spider-Man shows up. Does no one in New York have anything to do?
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| How could you not expect him? |
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| That depends on the writer. For some, never. |
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| Huh? |
Back to sanity, Spider-Man hears of the reward.
Sanity, over. Instead of going after it, Spider-Man decides to tease Jameson about it. When is his geniusness supposed to kick in?
We actually get more panels of Jameson freaking out about public opinion than we do about Spider-Man teasing him.
Finally, something interesting happens. Jameson calls up Foswell, since he's so good at reporting on criminals. Jameson wanted Foswell to tell him anything he knows about The Cat Burglar. Foswell, decided to do things his own way.
Why is this comic series more interesting without Spider-Man?
I mean, he gives up because of pie. I know pie is awesome, but it's no excuse to be the lamest superhero ever. He knows where the truck they were stealing was headed, so go bother Ironman for help. Both of you can have pie and he can buy lots more pies.
He finishes his pie before betty gets to work. Weird, She's been at work before he's at school. Her early or late is this? Aunt May just lets him leave.
He runs into Liz Allen who says she's being stalked by Flash Thompson. I guess every police officer is on break all day in this comic.
They fight about fighting. I kid you not.
And then... I think Peter uses the Vulcan neck pinch. Flash suddenly passes out and Peter says he did it. I'm petty sure leaving someone passed out in the street isn't a friendly or neighborly thing to do, but then I don't wear pajamas that shrink when wet.
And then... did my Marvel Unlimited skip a page? suddenly Spider-Man barges into a some rando's apartment claiming that guy is the Cat Burglar. He beats up the guy who I guess was a thief (looked more like a guy wanted to play golf) and then leaves, relenting the guy wasn't the cat burglar.
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| Really, they're just arguing over the remote. No need to electrocute someone |
Peter uses the dumbest excuse ever, but at least he knows Flash is too stupid to see a doctor after a concussion or mystery injury.
Despite his earlier intent to walk to The Bugle, Peter gets a call from Betty. Or maybe she called work and hoped he actually showed up this time. She calls him to discuss a mystery question Ned asked her. It's obvious he proposed. What else would 'take all the time you need to think about it' come from? Watching the last season of Game of Thrones with him? No boyfriend is that cruel.
Shes's not that happy about the proposal. Nor when Peter mentions Spider-Man. She's still upset about Spider-Man because... honestly, I forget. She hasn't brought it up in a while.
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| At least, he told her he did all that. |
Peter storms off because he can't always be there for her as spider-Man, the guy who beats up criminals, even if he has no idea if they're relatives of his potential girlfriends or just a guy with a really bad medical condition and Peter happens not to like Halloween.
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| So I'll character assassinate myself and ruin a perfectly nice person's life. That'll show you, guy who was too young to date a few months ago. |
Foswell calls to remind us the actual plot is going nowhere, so sit back and watch adults acts like middle schoolers.
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| Leave it to early era Jameson to make people feel uncomfortable |
Peter mopes about Betty. She spent more time complaining and scolding and bitching at you than being friendly, plus you've been a full adult for only two episodes. I'm not buying this as drama.
But no time for that (for once the ADHD of the writers turned out to be a good thing). It's time for an action scene.
Here's all you need to know about the fight:
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| Don't announce it in the street, dumbass |
Peter mopes, calls dibs on pie, and is upset Betty tried to call him several times. I can understand two out of three.
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| Dear God--it's Jimmy Olsen! |
Just as The cat decides to pull one last heist, Foswell notices one of the gangsters he's in league with and keeps an eye on is always missing when The Cat strikes.
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| You had ONE JOB |
Shouldn't someone who is supposed to be super good at crime checks this in advance?
Too late. He's caught in police spotlights.
Jameson gloats until Spider-man shows up. I'm surprised a guy who makes a career out of a smear campaign out of a vigilante forgets that a vigilante doesn't work alongside the police.
They fight and Spidey forgets most f his powers so it can be as drawn out as possible. The Cat has claws! So? Spidey has web. why not back up and web up all of him? He's done what before.
Well, Mr. Genius puts other lives at risk by only remembering he can stick to walls after he's knocked off a ledge (up. super-strength, reflexes, and spider-sense are all missing right now). While Spider-Man is...distracted I guess (speed is gone too), The Cat plants a bomb on a water tower on the top of the building. I'm not an expert, but I don't think several tons of water on top of where dozens if not hundreds of people live is a great idea. Or wasting your time with a bomb when you don't know if it'll hit Spider-Man. Or not just shooting part of the structure.
PICTURE: Apparently a genius has no idea how water works.
The Cat also suffers from forgetting what superpowers he has: a gun. He starts shooting at Spider-Man and the cops come by from the other side... of a tall building they had the opposite side cordoned off.
Everyone suffers a case of the Stupids, as these magic teleporting police fail to see a chimney right in front of them. Four police fail to notice it, even with their backs to it. I'm not kidding
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| I wasn't |
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| Hey! You weren't concrete before! |
Peter mopes at Jameson. He mopes at Betty, and he mopes off into the final panel of the comic.
Frankly, this comic should be one page of Betty being a vague-yet-pretentious twat to Peter and Peter admitting he doesn't want a boring and unchanging lifestyle. But that would require them to talk like adults and we can't have that. We've got to drag this drama through the mud.
No Felicia. No memorable villain. just an adult woman wanting to start a relationship with a boy she only is attracted to know that he no longer qualifies as jailbait.
WHAT THE HELL IS HE SWINGING ON COUNT: 6
Let's go see if Dracula can accomplish something.
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