Okay, rant to prevent lawsuit over. Let's see what Frank, Clifton, and Vlad are up to.
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| Anyone else notice Dracula is the only one called by his last name? And why is it TOMB of Dracula when there was only down for one page in the first comic? |
Frank has decided to jump off a bridge. I have no idea what Clifton is up to, and it's night, so where's Dracula? Apparently, neither of them care, but Jambi the Genie and Princess Leia from Endo care.
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| Or maybe that's a transvestite and her fake boob fell down |
I gotta say, for fighting Dracula, this series is pretty weird.
No, it's Rachel Van Hellsing, here to deal with Dracula, but way too lazy to guard the castle or fill the basement with cement. Her family only dels with Dracula when he's already killed people. I'm sure there's some sort of rule about it. Oh, and the genie is Mr. Hohm her silent servant. Nothing racist about that, is there Annie Rachel?
Meanwhile, Clifton is getting drunk, because that's how adults deal with their fears. Despite several people seeing Dracula and him turning into a bat and a handful of people dead from obvious vampire bites, the bartender doesn't believe in vampires and kicks Clifton ou of the bar. And then Dracula shows up, because we're six pages in and this is getting boring. Thank you, Drac.
Clifton, obviously hypnotized or vamped, goes looking for the coffin. Drac goes looking for food. Rachel tells Frank that the Genie once say his entire village destroyed by vampires. Why? If vampires are smart, why go to such overkill that obviously destroys local food sources? That's like getting slightly hungry for burgers and eating every cow in the field.
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| Or you could hunt all of the others down, be safe because Dracula would never expect that, and you'd have given him only one place to hide during the day and effectively cornering him. But then, I'm not the professional vampire hunter |
Picture: Or you could hunt all of the others down, be safe because Dracula would never expect that, and you'd have given him only one place to hide during the day and effectively cornering him.
It turns out Frank never noticed Drac's coffin was super heavy, even for a coffin. Why? Because there was a false bottom to it that held a shit ton of gold (only a lot less gross). How did Frank not even notice the coffin was too deep for a regular coffin?
How does Dracula intend to spend it? Even back in 1970 something, who the hell converts gold into regular money? Is there a place that exchanges dubloons?
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| Why is sleeping in a weird place your worst concern right now? |
Man, Frank is losing friends left and right. It's a good thing the Hellsings will survive he gets and a new long-term girlfriend when he joins the Nighstalkers it will be a long-running comic Blade will be a great friend and remember him ... damn, life sucks for Frank.
Yup. Clifton met the same fate as Jeanie, just in a lot less sexy way.
Meanwhile, Frank and his new sidekicks come in to check on the coffin. I'd say it's a twist that Clifton and Dracula are gone and it's the night porter they were threatening was in the coffin, but it's only a twist to people who have no idea about Dracula, vampires, or how stories work. That limits things to Michael Bay, JJ Abrams, and Rian Johnson.
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| Oh no! If only we had a clue! |
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| I thought her name was Jeanie |
Oh, and the bags they used to carry the gold away have rips in them. If you're asking "what bags?" you obviously haven't figured out the small hallway has turned into an airport hangar by now.
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| And as dumb as twenty sacks of bricks. Ripped sacks. |
And then Dracula turns to the only capable person sho really should have been the one the story was about: Rachel van Hellsing. Seriously, what did the Van Hellsings do when Dracula was no around? Did any of them go to college? What if they wanted to be a writer or a singer or be a Nascar driver?
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| Where was she hiding that thing? |
too late. Crac turns into a Bat and he and Clifton take off with some of the money. Drake tried to follow, but the door slams shut. If only someone had made a doorknob on this side of the door!
Wait, that makes no sense. Who makes a basement with no doorknob on the other end of the door? What's the point of a basement you have to leave the door open if you want to do be in it?
Well, that's all pointless. Jambie the Genie Taj breaks down the door, only for the police to arrest them all for murder... a murder they don't know about. Seriously, all they say is the night porer screamed. and then they jump to a murder accusation.
To make the police look even dumber, one officer says the weapons they were carrying look like they could have killed the guy. When did crossbows bite people?
Honestly, I would have thought a side plot about cops disappearing and records about that being destroyed would have been better. No actual authorities at all and Dracula taking advantage of the lawless chaos would be cool.
While the police detain the three (in a very snazzy place. I've stayed in crappier hotel rooms), Clifton drives Dracula somewhere. he somehow managed to exchange the gold for modern currency without anyone tipping of the police or a bunch of murderers about it.
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| Who are you talking to? |
Later, or possibly also meanwhile, one of Dracula's victims gets up out of the morgue to go looking for people. why is it always the dumpy guy and not the hot chick? Probably because he's a talking extra. he lasts thirty seconds before the new group of three corner him with crosses and then kill him. okay, NOW you can charge them with murder, officer.
For some reason, the body just slumps to the floor instead of turning to dust like Jeanie did. Make up your mind, comic!
The comic moves back to Dracula, at night. the house he's going to be staying at is owned by a wealthy occult fangirl who collect magic items and had no sense of organization.
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| And also collects foreshadowing. Seriously, she also has a black mirror and a Wakanda tribal mask. |
She's looking for an anti-aging-fountain-of-youth-MacGuffin. after chasing away her own lawyer who says that's stupid, Dracula shows up on her balcony, as that doesn't count as having entered the house.
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| I hope it's better than the Star Trek two-parter |
For good or for bad, and sadly probably the latter, we'll return to Spider-Man next time.
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