Spider-Douchery #12--Unmasked by Doc Ock!

The inner cover is less of a cover than an illustrated pitch submitted to the publishers that was accidentally included in the actual comic.  Doc Ock is scary; there are wild animals in the comic; the's Flash, Liz, Aunt May, Betty with a new haircut; and Jameson is being Jameson. They really weren't trying for this page

We get a single panel summing up the last comic (Doc Ock escaped and Jameson blames Spider-Man for letting him get away), and then we move to Spider-Man spying on his own boss. A secretary storms out, complaining that Jameson is, well, himself.  In the next panel, Betty Brant teleports in and asks for the job back, now that the last secretary has left due to wanting to preserve her sanity.  Spider-Man scoots off to change into Peter Parker, and good timing, too; Betty asks if Peter has turned in any photos lately and Jameson says he hasn't turned in any for a while now.

Meanwhile, Doc Ock plays keep away with the police while he's in a high arch and steals an armored car with his tentacles clinging to the car and to a low-flying helicopter.  I'm going to assume Doc hired the helicopter instead of asking two dozen questions about how that works.  He hopes to attract Spider-Man's attention by continuing to commit outlandish crimes.  I wish it was that easy to attract Marvel's attention (see the add below if you care why this sentence is relevant).

Back at home, Peter caught the flu while doing nothing at The Bugle.  He's also worried he has exams coming up.  That's a pretty good excuse to give Jameson for skipping out on photos.  I wonder why he didn't use it.

Because he's a pervert.  Has no one ever gotten a sexual harassment call in that decade?

Sadly, Peter's reverted to his jerkwad of a savant for of being a genius.  So much for character growth (trust me, that'll be yet another pattern).  His friends ask him if he knows about Spiders because he's smart and they doubt all spiders are that dangerous.  Instead of saying he knows about spiders and that Spider-Man isn't like a spider in some way, he says he hates spiders and gets mad they asked an innocent question.  And all that was filler.  Marvel, destroying the importance of their own storytelling since 1967.

Moving on the storytelling they do want--I hope-- Peter shows up in time to miss Doc Ock on the phone with Betty to give her a creepy stalker call, but in time for Doc Ock to barge in through an open window.  He tells Betty she's coming with him, Jameson to put a note in his paper to announce the kidnapping and that Ock wants to face Spider-Man, and Peter to piss off.  Peter runs off while remembering he has the flu, and immediately afterward, Spider-Man shows up and tells Jameson he'll go rescue Betty.  You wanna slow down, dude?  Jameson just got up, he hasn't printed a damn thing.

Then Jameson storms off, thinking Peter's going to botch the photos.  Uh, aren't you forgetting to put the message in the paper anyway?  I guess everyone's an idiot in this story.

J. Jonah Jameson worked for the Ministry of Silly Walks back then.

Speaking of idiots, Doc Ock tells Betty what we already know so he can threaten her.  Why?  She's tied up in a creepy closed-down amusement park with you hanging around and laughing at her constantly.  I think she's scared enough. Then again, she may be the smartest person int eh comic, save for the secretary who quit.  While Spider-Man stumbles around while he's getting sicker and sicker instead of contacting the Fantastic Four, she manages to loosen the ropes around her hands without Doc Ock noticing and runs off when his back is turned.

When Doc Ock turns to run after Betty, Spider-Man jumps him and tries to punch Doc out, only to find he's too sick for his punches to do anything.  Soon, Doc Ock is landing more blows and doing more damage to Spider-Man.

Soon Peter's knocked out and a crowd had formed--Betty, Jameson, and the police. No, don't t try and help or anything guys.  Doc Ock doesn't care and u masks Spider-Man, revealing him to be Peter Parker.  Doc gets mad that the guy who has done far more than the police and thwarted his genius so many times is just a teenager and runs off, looking for the 'real' Spider-Man.

You guys want to give him some room, maybe?

At least everyone's polite to Peter while he's unconscious--wow, that should say a lot about you, where the nicest anyone is to you is when you're out cold.  Betty is useless, Jameson doesn't yell at Parker, and the police from Parker off at his house and don't mention what happened other than he passed out.

There's a one-panel dream that Spider-Man berates Peer Parker for fucking up as Spider-Man,  But Peter completely forgets about that as he's literally jumping around because he's instantly cured.  I wish being sick was that easy.

Stop making me look bad before Dan Slott gets here!

Aunt May is mad that Peter 'impersonated'  Spider-Man, but the other kids are impressed, especially Liz Allen.  She goes so far as to berate Flash for teasing Peter and reminds him they broke up.  Imagine what would happen if she became a Spider-Man hating villain and her entire motivation revolved entirely around her relationship with men.  That'd be silly, wouldn't it?

Who talks like this?  Heck, who acts like this?

We move on to Doc Ock ranting all generic-villain-like about being humiliated and revenge and all that jazz.  He storms out of a hiding place and decides to let ferocious zoo animals out in order to attract Spider-Man.  you know what would be funny?  If he was sick with Peter's flu or if the wild animals just stormed a junk food store and took a nap.

As Peter tries to run off and find a private place to change, Liz runs after him, now with a crush on him. So long Liz's backbone, you will be missed.  Flash chases after Liz, wondering why she's ditching bowling with him (and presumably her other friends) to date someone who has been a constant jerk to her.  I guess we can't blame Twilight.  The next panel shows Peter jumping out the window and swinging to the roof via a flagpole.  According to Liz, Peter suddenly disappeared thanks to Flash distracting her.  Great, now she ditches people to try to date a jerk and she's a moron...wow, this really IS Twilight before Stephanie Meyer introduced vampires, isn't it? Flash points out she hated Peter until now.  Uh, if Flash is the only voice of reason in the comic, everyone needs to rethink their life choices.

How did he get in there, then?

Spider-Man tells himself he's matured as he races off to figure out why New York can't go a day without being rescued by him this time.  Oh please.  When it comes to maturity, if I compared you to a wine, you'd be an unripe grape.  That was mean to other grapes.

Meanwhile, Doctor Octopus is polite enough to wait until Spider-Man helps round up all the ferocious animals before rampaging through rush hour traffic, demanding Spider-Man shows up.  It may be at the most annoying time of day, but it's a lot safer to get out of your car and run away.

Admittedly, I wouldn't immediately know what to do about a floating bigfoot either.

Jameson and Betty watch out the window as Spider-Man and Doc Ock finally face off.  Jameson yells at Spider-Man and he's kinda right this time.  Spider-Man doesn't do much.  Doc Ock throws a tantrum and breaks a giant hotel sign, Spidey catches it.   Doc Ock chases him up some Dr. Seuss chimney (why is there a bright yellow chimney taller than most buildings in New York?), and Spider-Man just swings like a tether ball around him. Doc Ock threatens him and Spider-Man just flips and dances around to make Ock mad while chasing him.Yeah, he's not even trying.

The most interesting thing about the fight is that the range of Doc's tentacles keeps changing.

Does that window even close?  Or was Jameson too cheap to pay for a whole wall and he just put a frame around the hole?

Spider-Man gets knocked down an airshaft and he uses the elastic properties of his webbing (sue, why not) and slingshots himself at Doc Ock.  Apparently, it's so elastic that he knocks himself and Doc off the building, into a somehow abandoned window-washing scaffold, swing it into the skylight of another building, and start a fire.  So, you accomplish nothing when trying, and then caused a Rue Goldberg machine of defeating Ock by accident.

Doc Ock stupidly still tries to fight Spider-Man while the place goes up in flames instantly.  It must be one of those old buildings made of nitroglycerin and kindling.  The building is also full of heavy statues and one of them falls on Doc Ock and the strength of this tentacles is gone due to plot bullshit.

Spider-Man tries to rescue Doc Ock, but the fire gets worse and he realizes he's going to burn to a crisp before he can get anywhere close.  He decides to save himself first, but--uh oh!  he's out of webbing!--Gotta milk some contrived drama before ending the story.  After several panels of worrying that he won't be able to recharge in time...he does.  Uh, yay?

He uses his webbing as a flame retardant shield and makes his way to a window and literally breaks out,  He figures that since he hears sirens, that the police officers and/or firefighters can deal with Doc Ock.  Because if he could only wrestle the guy to a stalemate, obviously those guys can do better.  Wait, what?

Good thing smoke inhalation doesn't exist in comics

Actually, they can because Doc Ock is unconscious from smoke inhalation.  Good thing that can't do permanent damage and doesn't need immediate medical attention according to this comic.

Peter changes back into his regular clothes...somehow, and Flash and Liz have shown up at the scene of the fire.  Liz came all this way to invite Peter over to a party only to be dumped for Betty.  Flash just wanted to be part of the moment to be a dick.

The end.

WHAT THE HELL IS HE SWINGING ON? COUNT: 0

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