Spider-Douchery #13--Mysterio

The cover is...weird.

Spider-Man is running away after just robbing two guys.  It looks fine at first, but then anyone who knows that just because it's a comic book doesn't mean you shouldn't make sense.  Either Spider-Man is huge or he's covered a lot of distance and the room and guys behind him are huge. also, their poses are all weird.  They're webbed up, but they had to have been doing yoga to be stuck in like that.

This is what you get for building a bank designed by people who draw for escher girls

I dunno about this premise, either.  Spider-Man has already been framed for stuff and confused with other villains.  Except for Jameson and people dumb enough to believe his more outlandish headlines, who'd buy this now?

By now you should have figured out that anything Jameson likes about Spider-Man is fake, lady

Our comic begins--or was the promo page actually part of the story?--with Fake Spidey jumping out a window, webbing up two policemen on a roof, and then parachuting away.

There are three whole pages about people talking about how much Spider-Man sucks now, from generic morons being generic morons, to Jameson wanting to reprint anti-Spider-Man editorials, to all the kids saying they hate him for tricking them.  And, of course, we get the obligatory drawn-out scenes where Peter whines and thinks it's the end of the world.

It just wouldn't be a Spider-Man comic without Peter being called a genius and acting like he's the opposite

The next day Spider-Man goes to see a psychotherapist.  No, he's not going to get help getting over Uncle Ben's death or try to be more independent and let help Aunt May learn to live by herself or stop being a whining jerk.

No, he wants to know if he's sleep-stealing while being Spider-Man.  When the psychotherapist says for him to just relax on the couch and say what's on his mind, Spider-Man panics and worries he might reveal his secret identity and runs away out the window.  He may need more therapy than he thinks.

So long psychotherapist with a cool 1890's 'stache.  You will be missed more than any of these losers.

Maybe if you did what even stupid teens do and asked him

Speaking of losers, Peter tells Betty to piss off because he's in a bad mood before going to Jameson to ask for a loan for random money problems that weren't mentioned in the story before.  Jameson says to stop asking for money and to quit looking for an excuse for filler and get on with the plot so he can yell about it.

Stupidly, Spider-Man swings into the street, only to get chased by an angry mob.  I'm not sure what he expected.  Again he freaks out because the world is coming to an end because--oh no!--he won't be able to make money and Aunt May's bad spending habits have cost her the mortgage.  Sorry to sound heartless, but it's not Peter's mortgage.  Why doesn't he save up to move out and be less of a financial burden on Aunt May.  He could ask to be an unpaid intern for Jameson for college and apply for financial aid if he's living on his own.  Or get a scholarship, since he's so smart.  Presumably, at least.

In other words, he's already a douche who jumps to conclusions and takes everything personally

Still speaking of losers, Liz runs up to Peter to hit on him by showing off her new haircut.  Peter complains about having to pay attention to her, but he's kind enough to keep his whining to internal dialog.  Of all the times to be preoccupied by something petty and meaningless, this would actually be one of them.

FLash Thomson: notices haircuts, praises intelligence, and will go out whenever and wherever you want and he's the BAD boyfriend?

Now he's complaining that Liz is interested in him after he's got a crush on Betty...when we have seen no evidence that he has admitted his crush to Betty or ever asked her out.

Peter, that wasn't what I meant.  Just date the girl you're own age already and quit making things complicated for yourself (yet another pattern for Spider-Man comics).

Two filler panels later and we finally, FINALLY, get on with the plot.  By now, I doubt there's much to it. Jameson and...come guys are in some office, waiting for a mysterious person who said he could get rid of Spider-Man.  Why did they think this was real and not a prank?  They probably have nothing else to do.

At least they don't have long to wait. Mysterio shows up, and its HIM who says he wears a costume to hide his identity so his loved ones won't be targeted by his enemies.  You'd think the genius Peter Parker would tell Jameson that as Spider-Man, but nope, this guy in a cape three sizes too big, pajamas, and a fishbowl is the smart one.  Mysterio hands the guys an envelope and says to follow the instructions.   This is a lot of work to go to just to avoid buying more envelopes.

He didn't even need the envelope.  Like ever single plot point to make the villain and Spider-Man meet up for the short and anticlimactic showdown, the letter just says to put a notice in the Bugle as to where Spider-Man should meet Mysterio.

Just for once, I'd like to see a villain do this and Jameson demands money for it like all notices int he paper or a dozen other heroes show up because they read the paper too.

Then, like Mysterio seconds before, the letter disappears in a puff of smoke, leaving all the guys stunned.  It's like they haven't even heard of the concept of a magician.

Predictably, Spider-Man goes to fight Mysterio.  Just for once, I want to see Peter say 'I've got better things to do than fight that guy.  Unless the police report he has a hostage, I'm going to catch up on Game of Thrones tonight.  The police can surprise him and take him to jail while he's waiting for me.'

There's filler a fight scene on top of a bridge.  It's only impressive because Labyrinth hadn't come out  before this comic.  Spider-Man tries things obviously half-assed, Mysterio dodges it all.  Mysterio gets bored and disappears in a huge cloud of smoke, leaving Spider-Man to stupidly keep trying to hit him.  Where HAS his spider-sense gone for the last few issues?

How exciting

Apparently, the special effects Mysterio pulled where no one bu Spider-Man could see them earned Mysterio a parade. Peter uses this opportunity to start a fight with Flash, because why not?  It's not like there's a supervillain out there framing you and taking away any chance you have of saving people or earning money which you desperately need,

I don't think that's how air works, 'genius'

Mysterio stops by the Daily Bugle, thanks to Jameson offering to pay him for an exclusive interview.  Jameson tells Petr to shake hands with Mysterio...for some reason.  Did Jameson forget what job Peter is supposed to be doing?  Peter usually does, but Jameson? Maybe it's Mysterio's hologram Jameson and that's why Jameson is so happy to give him money.  Peter slips Mysterio a spider tracer and then he goes to boast to Betty that Spider-Man isn't as defeated as people think.

If someone threw a parade for the guy who stopped me from doing my hobby, I'd get the clue and quit.  Or move where people read more than one newspaper and have better things to do.

Why does he think so?  Who cares; she doesn't.  All she notices is that he's in a hurry to leave as usual (and just like everyone else).  Here reaction to some guy dropping obvious hints he's either Spider-Man or in love with Spider-Man (or both)?  Jealousy over Liz...whom Peter should have mentioned he's not interested in.  Usually, I'd complain simple communication would have solved all of this a week ago, but this issue ramps up the terminal stupidity to 10.5  If it went up to 11, no one could be able to tie their shoes.

Mysterio leaves Jameson's office in a cloud of smoke and immediately afterward, he's tracked down by Spider-Man.  Spider-Man catches him in an alleyway and they fight.  By 'fight' I mean they both get lucky when Mysterio turns on his fog machine and they both miss and eventually land poorly drawn punches the reader never sees connect with anything and has to be told about it by Spider-Man.  How exciting.

Because that' what integrity is: willingness to be interviewed by Fox News

Mysterio decides to interrupt the fight by telling his backstory.  What prompted this?  I'm going to say because the comic needed more filler.  This could all be summed up in a single word balloon without a flashback, but no one at Marvel cared.  Mysterio made movie props.  He wanted to make props that imitated Spider-Man.  Then he got bored, decided to frame Spider-Man and defeat him as Mysterio so he'd be a bigshot mystery hero.  Really, that's it.  It was more interesting when it turned out Judas Traveler was just some nodoby making shit up so badly a literal plothole appeared because of him.

Given how he normally looks, the fishbowl is an improvement

It turns out Spider-Man brought a tape recording device and recording Mysterio's long-winded bout of rambling.  Given that it's the size of a large-font Bible, I don't really want to know where Spider-Man was hiding that.

Mysterio tries to disappear in smoke, assuming that will solve his problem.  Wisdom must be his dump stat.  Spider-Man just punches the smoke until he connects and then hits Mysterio so hard, Mysterio flies through a door to a movie set behind him.  People need to learn to lock their doors and windows in New York.

It's not as exciting as this looks

Then Spider-Man crashes the set when he could have waited for security to toss Mysterio out on his ass for him.  Instead, they have a fight on top of props for a movie soon to be featured on MST3K in a fight less interesting than said hypothetical movie.  The only cool art is when Mysterio uses a spotlight as a giant hammer.

The fight is long, and I mean long.  It's like four pages full of panels.  And yet, it forgot to tell us when Spider-Man hooked up his camera to automatically take pictures.  If he's such a technical genius, why doesn't he make himself a better camera?

Anyway, after a few more direct blows, Spider-Man punches Mysterio out, uses his smoke spray to run away without being bothered, and dumps the villain, the recording, and presumably Jameson at the police department after getting paid for the photos.  The police say they've got everything, including wherever the loot Mysterio stole as Spider-Man is.

The last page has Jameson mad about looking bad for what he's written about Spider-Man , and then he gets back to his office and THEN he finds the photos.  I guess the police just called him over because they wanted to be both annoying and lazy or forgot how to use a phone.  Given the mental aptitude of everyone else, I'm going with the latter.

Jameson decides to write Peter a check for the photos, but for half the actual price.  Just then, Spider-Man swings in. Did he come in to make sure he doesn't get screwed over in payment, as he came in just as Jameson was announcing such a thing to himself? Nope, he came to remind us all that he's a dick.  He strings up with webbing Jameson from the ceiling for printing that he was a criminal, like everyone had believed.  He then goes on to make fun of Flash for no reason as Peter and the comic finally and mercifully ends.  No lessons are learned by anyone, probably because they're all too stupid.

WHAT THE HELL IS HE SWINGING ON COUNT: 4

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