Spider-Douchery #6--The Lizard

Are we seriously going to just list short adventures with villains until we run out?  Well, sorta.  After this, there's some random stuff and team-ups before going back to going down the list of villains with two or three more guys before deciding to actually feel like a comicbook.

Not that I don't call this a comicbook, but it feels more like rough drafts of back stories starring people way to old to actually be the characters.  Especially when it starts out with a. blurb about how popular the comic is before getting to the actual story it promises.

Once we DO get to the story, we start out in Florida, where The Lizard is yelling at people to get off his lawn everglades.  Come on, Poison Ivy does a lot more than yell at people.  This guy's just yelling at people to get out of an endangered environment and to quit walking all over it.  Are we sure this is the villain and not Man-Thing's very vocal secretary?

For some reason, it takes a longtime for five people to run away, which would certainly piss me off if I wanted them to leave.  So The Lizard rips a giant tree in half and threatens to throw it at people.  Now you're just sending mixed messages, dude.  Finally, they leave, only to be turned into talking heads that rant about how hard The Lizard is to hurt, how strong it is, and how no one can track it.  This really doesn't look like a job for Spider-Man guys.  It looks more like a job for Leave It The Hell Alone Man.

Green, purple pants, wears a lab coat, better not take any chances in case this is a rebooted Hulk design

Having the villain be a big reveal later on hasn't been invented yet.  We're in the age of quirky ways superheroes get away with messing with someone else's private property.  In this case, we see Spider-Man wasting his webbing to steal a newspaper while simultaneously dropping the cash for it onto the stack. as the shopowner is distracted.  This would be clever if not for a) anyone could steal the money once he leaves it there, and b) why not just walk up to the stand and buy it?  Is superhero money not legal tender?

Suddenly, something unpredictable happens.  Yes, you read that right.  After five stories you could sum up in your sleep from page five, we have something unexpected.  This is a monumental moment in comicbooks, I'm sure.  The newspaper demands that Spider-Man fights The Lizard.  I'll admit, I never saw that coming, but I'm sure it'd sell a lot of newspapers.  I guess Jameson isn't as one-horse as he seemed.

Can a newspaper do that, though?  I'm pretty sure tabloids and papers like Weekly World News can do whatever they want, but a newspaper that's supposed to report real news (albeit biased against certain vigilantes)?  Can the New York Times post a headline challenging Hulk Hogan to go beat up the leader of ISIS or Brock Turner?

Then we get something else unexpected. Peter does some smart.  I'm not talking about one of his braincells firing off by accident and he momentarily makes sense; he decides to do something responsible and intelligent.  Vague, but responsible and intelligent.  He decides 'If Jameson is going to boss Spider-Man around, he's going to pay for every cent of it to Peter.'. After all, why pay an expensive Florida reporter and the S&H for the photos and waste time and money adding another person to the payroll?

Too bad Jameson already thought of it first and says it was all just sensationalism as The Lizard doesn't even exist.  Besides, Spider-Man's a street level character, not a coast-to-coast one.  Points to Jameson there.

At least Peter refuses to whine about the rejection for several panels this time...wow, more responsible behavior.  Your boss whose known to be a jackass is a jackass and you walk it off and let him stew.  That's...normal.  He's actually acting like a down-to-earth realistic human being.  This is major progress for him.  Which is actually sad, when you think about it.  He's undergoing an immense amount of character growth just to end up average.

He goes on to roll a 1 on his subtlety check as he tries to his on Betty Brant before going to the high school field trip to an exhibit about dinosaurs at a museum.  He then rudely interrupts Liz and Flash have a character-building moment and neither of them notice either the theives giving the most wooden exposition ever or that the docent's information about dinosaurs is obviously taken from the movie Caveman.

Peter clues in that not only is what he's being taught useless, but that Liz and Flash are being much more interesting than him.  Or at least his spider-sense get jealous some one else is hogging the spotlight tells him the guys in the background are crooks.  Wait, last issue it was pretty much nonexistent, now it's psychic?  Get your act together, spider-sense.

Peter doesn't care. He's not going to let some plot hole get in the way of this subplot if he can help it.  He runs off into an empty room to change into Spider-Man, knowing everyone will be too distracted to find his clothes on the floor and make the connection.  But when he's ready for them, so are they...er, ready for him I mean.

Anyway, they caught Liz while a guard tried to stop them.  Silly guard, useful police officers haven't been invented.  Heck, it'll take even longer for unnamed police officers to be able to accomplish even the most minor acts in comics.  You should have just sat this on your for a few decades.  But don't worry, Spider-Man and the crooks will outdo any stupidity you could have managed by just standing there.

If only he hadn't jumped in front of us!

Indeed he does, Spider-Man frees Liz in the dumbest way possible: he just jumps in front of them and they forget to hold onto her. If this scene could hold any more stupidity, she'd forget to run away.  Thankfully, she spent those panels developing her character, so she's not that useless.

After punching the thieves...because I guess comicbook guards and police can't arrest anyone who hasn't been hitin the face...Spider-Man runs over to Liz and scoops her up and hits on her.  Yep, he stopped her while she was running away to do that. Good intentions, but you still look stupid, Spidey.  This wasn't the best idea, as it worked. Now Liz wants to create an OTP with Peter.  Say goodbye to Liz's character development  good judgement of other characters.

Speaking of bad characterization, Peter shows up and Flash asks him what to do about competing with Spider-Man for Liz's affections.  Peter tells him he'd better start worrying.  So much for not being a douche anymore.  At least he's not whining.

Speaking of going back to being a douche, after school he harasses Jameson to the point that if Spider-Man wasn't printed by the wrong company, the reader would think he's the next Batman villain and shit was getting real in comics.  Before even showing his face...er, mask, he webs up the intercom specifically so Jameson can't call for help.  He then stops Jameson from running the hell away and makes him dangle helplessly from the ceiling to have a 'friendly' chat.  He tells Jameson 'you'd better send a photographer to record his fight with The Lizard (and if the photographer gets lost?  It's the Everglades and people already mentioned neither he nor Spider-Man were easy to keep track of), or else.  Also, enjoy the injuries when you fall'.  Did someone forget the 'hero' part of him being a superhero?

And....we're back to predictable.  I guess this comic could only take so much cool at once for its first time.  Despite going out the window as Spider-Man, Peter shows up seconds later to say he has no idea what's going on, but is extremely amused when he hears Jameson fall to the floor. But he uses a really bad quip to distract Betty from noticing.  I guess being stupid covers up being a douche.  Or the obvious.

He goes in to see Jameson and isn't surprised in the least when he's told to go to Florida and take pictures of Spider-Man versus The Lizard.  He doesn't even question why Jameson changed his mind about the existence of The Lizard.  What does surprise him is that Jameson insists he's coming to Florida too.  Yup, he may not be around when Peter drops hints that he's Spider-Man or how much of a dick he is, but he suspects something's going on.  Besides, not even back then were teens sent across the country to handle something important without supervision.

Don't go thinking that might be a plotpoint to quit being predictable.  No, it was just messing with you.  Peter has to go get permission for Aunt May, who of course refuses.  For once, I'm going to agree with her.  He actually intends to go exactly where the dangerous villain is and he'd actually be a target.  Plus, even if he didn't get hit by friendly fire, you don't want to distract the superhero by having to be rescued because you were too stupid to take a picture instead of running away (or being smart enough not to be there in the first place).  Maybe this isn't so predictable after all.  Oops, spoke too soon.  She changes her mind once she learns Jameson will be babysitting Peter. 

It's so hard when senility hits you in your 3000's

Once they get there, neither of them notices Florida doesn't look any different from New York.  Neither did I for a few panels, sadly.  I didn't even realize they had left already due to the bad transition and Peter saying he came prepared with research, but didn't bring any equipment save for his camera and needs to run off alone to get some.  Jameson doesn't think this is suspicious at all; he just thinks Peter's a morons because everyone he works with is.  And he's right.

Too bad Peter on NOW decided to research the situation.  He could have discovered Dr. Connors and bothered him over the phone instead of in person.  Then again, why not do that now?  Why does he have to bother someone as Spider-Man just to learn about lizards?

Screw that, he's tired of thinking.  It's time to barge in on the villain and get his ass kicked.  He sneaks past the laziest police blockade ever and just wanders into the forest.  He doesn't even stick to the higher branches so he can watch for danger from all angles.  No, he just walks near the most dangerous areas, and is surprised something bad happens.  I guess he left his intelligence back in New York.

Yep, he's ambushed by The Lizard and dragged into a really deep pond.  Which doesn't matter all that much, as he was walking dangerously close to the edge and around lots of things to trip over.  Plus, Florida has alligators...and crocodiles, but they live near a nuclear power plant.  Wait a minute, why isn't this story about one of them?  At least have one bite a guy and he turns into a half-man-half-crocodile.  Why isn't that a story?

Fortunately, The Lizard doesn't seem to know what he's doing.  First he just pulls Spider-Man under to drown him, then he tries to bury Spider-Man in mud, then he lets go and they both crawl to shore so he can yell at Spider-Man to get off his endangered lawn  before settling on using his tail to toss Spider-Man yards away.   Now he can get back to...Lizard stuff, I guess.

Spider-Man ends up tossed into a plotpoint and finds not only a house, but he landed right in front of the bedroom window and sees a woman crying on the bed.  Don't get any ideas.  If this world were any more kid-friendly, married couples would sleep in separate beds.

Like the Friendly Neighborhood Stalker that he is, he invites himself in.  Through the window.  While in his costume.  Did I say this was kid-friendly?  Forget about that.

She read ahead to when Slott wrote Spider-Man

Oh, hey, he got a clue.  The wrong one, but at least he got one.  He asks her why she hasn't left.  He'd ask her why the police haven't forcefully evacuated her if he found two clues, but he's not that lucky.  She tells him Curt Connors, the doctor he wanted to bother later about information on lizards, is her husband.  And, like always, she needs to give an entire page of backstory.  Oh, and let's throw in a kid in there for pointless murder and destroying another great character pathos.

TLDR: Curt lost his arm and wanted to use Lizard DNA to regrow it.  It worked, but turned him into The Lizard.  After this issue, OSHA should start making a lot of new laws to prevent supervillains.  Peopel can just whip up something from a My First Chemistry Set just before game night and blam!  Now someone has to go fight of a half-man-half-monopoly-game and deal with copyright to boot.

At least Curt had the decency to run away instead of trashing their house.  It's already located in an alligator and plague-filled swamp full of deadly everything and doubtfully has no stable foundation whatsoever.

To prove my point, the two hear a scream from outside and Spider-Man leaps out the window to find the little kid unable to escape from an angry venomous snake.  Normally, I'd call him dumb, but it's not like kid has a choice about where he lives.  Both The Lizard and Spider-Man try to rescue him and both mistake the other as trying to hurt him.  Apparently if you put two geniuses in the same place in Marvel, they cancel each other out.  That...actually explains a lot.

Mrs. Connors shows up to take Billy away, having anti-snake powers I guess, and The Lizard runs away.  They need to wait for a completely new author to ruin things to show Spider-Man Curt's notes so Spidey DNA concoct an antidote for The Lizard.  I guess all the other geniuses were busy that week.  And he does.  Whoopdedoo.

The Lizard is enthusiastic about this Deus Ex Peter, and barges into the house and threatens to kill Spider-Man and take over the world. Uh, I know geography isn't your expertise, but shouldn't you know the world is a lot bigger than the Everglades? 

The comic really seems schizophrenic, as it threw in the antidote plot point to shorten itself, but The Lizard just stopped by to throw a desk as Spidey and say he was going to make a Lizard army out of alligators--which aren't lizards--and then leaves.  I know this is a way to escalate the situation and probably written at the last minute, but all it does is make me wonder what Jameson is doing right now.

After doing...this... Spider man tracks The Lizard...by...spider-sense...?  Lizard-sense?  Whatever.  He does this.

I'm just going to assume The Lizard beat up both Common Sense and Physics and move on

Anyway, after whatever that was, be finds an old Spanish fort in the Everglades.You'd think by now a lot more villains would be expecting a surprise sneak attack from Spider-man--after he gets a shot of the villains form the same angle with his crotch-camera--but no, we're back to predictability.   Besides, Spider-Man has to impose exposition on the villains, like usual.  We can't break upthe monotony that much.

Take this instance for example.  He sees The Lizard yelling at a bunch of alligators that surround him and Spider-Man immediately deduces they must be obedient to him because...alligators aren't lizards?  It's more likely the alligators are just sitting there and don't care if someone comes by or what they yell about.  Or maybe he's just entertaining before they eat him.  Or he feeds them and they're smart enough to know that many ham sandwiches that don't fight back is better than one bony lizard guy who does.

Spider-Man falls due to loose bricks and the alligators hungrily chase after him.  He climbs up the side of the building to get away...the building he just fell off of because the bricks were too loose to stick to...and The Lizard is there waiting for him at the top...because he has the speed of a lizard?...screw it, his family is still alive I don't care.  The Lizard and the alligators start trying to hit Spidey with their tails.  I'm on, now you guys are just fucking with him for shits and giggles.  I mean, that's definitely something a supervillain would do, but it doesn't work well with megalomania.  Choose one.  Or did you just make that up to mess with him?

Realizing whatever plan he had of rushing The Lizard head on(because it's worked so well the last three times), Spider-Man decides 'screw this' and swings into a nearby window. Surprise, surprise, The Lizard catches up to him and threatens to toss the antidote Spider-Man is carrying into the swamp.  He probably plans to take his lunch money too.

So instead of rushing to fight The Lizard...he runs around and fights The Lizard.  He dashes into a room, locks the door and then runs up the ceiling and jumps down to shove the antidote down The Lizard's throat.  It works (of course, this is comics), but not before The Lizard gets one last hard smack in at Spider-Man for being a douchebag.  He's read all about you, Spider-Man.  He knows what you're really like.

I know he's cured of being The Lizard, but he seems way too happy about it

So, now that he's back to Curt Connors, the alligators realize no one's going to feed them anymore and they leave. Curt and Spider-Man teleport back to the house and we get a touching moment between Curt and his wife while Spider-Man watches.  Apparently he's got nowhere else to be because...he's a douche again.  Oh, and while Spider-Man just stands there doing absolutely nothing, Curt burns his notes so no one else can repeat his experiments.  I'm sure that's a brilliant idea and won't have any repercussions ever. 

I'm no scientist, but I don't think lighting a fire in random parts of your house is very safe

Meanwhile, Spider-Man remembers he has a life and a job and heads back to the hotel, hours late and with no explanation.  It's okay, though, as Jameson didn't want to hear one.  He also doesn't care for the pictures Peter gives him and rips them up.  Someday Peter will realize blurry photos taken with an ancient camera from your crotch aren't the best quality.

So they head back and the first thing Peter does is think to call Betty for a date...who is thirty, isn't she?  And he's in high school.  Even if that's not statutory rape, it's still a dumb idea.  But she's working late, so the comic narrowly avoids that can of worms for now.  He calls Liz, who has stated more than once she doesn't like him and he hates her friends and doesn't care if they die, and asks her out.  She just says she's waiting for a call from Spider-Man to call.  Lady, I know Peter's and ass, but Spider-Man doesn't have pockets, he can't take you out. You have to take him out.  HEck, he doesn't even have your number.

Oh, and he also mailed a letter to Jameson, which more or less says 'Neener 'Neener 'Neener, you can kiss my Weiner.'

Despite leaving on that note, Peter has finally started to act responsibly, at least compared to before.

Just because I stay in the house all day and have no hobbies or interests doesn't mean I clean anything up

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