Spider-Douchery #29:

Back to Spider-Man, as promised.

So, what's Peter going to do now that he's graduated?

Unless you have platform shoes

I'm gonna assume he doesn't take the comic's advice.

Well, yes.

He makes a new outfit because he's' gaining weight.  unfortunately, he doesn't clue in and make a spare suit, so he doesn't repeat the chaos from last time.  Wait, what am I saying?  If they can't repeat Spider-Man plots, there'd hardly be any comics.

 Here's Concrete again.  And his friend, the Invisible Man.  Why feature a Monster Mash and tell a lame Scoripon story instead?

While Peter contemplates short term money decisions instead of long-term (taking after his aunt apparently), the Scorpion escapes from jail.  No explanation, just some guy in pajamas leaping out of a jail cell calling himself The Scorpion. (I know he showed up before, but you don't explain things until five pages into the villain rambling to catch people up.)

How long ddoes it take to  respond to an anlarm in the Marvelverse?

Then again, this is a jail where they think giving a supervillain his costume will turn out to be a good thing.

Meanwhile (again), Jameson points out Foswell has no idea what an interesting article is.

But we have other stuff to do.  We have to bring in Ned for his one and only arc of being cheated on by his wife with a teenager. Sure, there was a cartoon that involved him where he... existed.  And Miles's buddy Ganke stole his name twice.

I don't hate you, Ned.  I hate everything around you that wants to treat you like crap.

Here are two of them

Back to something that at least tries to be interesting, a  police officer comes by the warn Jameson the Scorpion has escaped and has threatened Jameson since, well, ever, according to police.

Is Peter the  Devil?  Nah, I'm pretty sure Beelzebub has much more slass and picks on people who can fight back

Peter has the gall, knowing Ned and Betty are dating, to ask Betty out to dinner.  Really, Peter, I thought Aunt May raised you better than that.

Is she playing hard to get?  Is she serious just for now?  I don't care.  Either way, it just leads to being shitty to Ned for no reason.

Is Concrete an expert in superheroes?

Anyway, Spider-Man is trying to draw out the Scorpion to fight him.  This would be a great strategy except Peter forgot one important thing: not everything is about him.

Yep, that's Jameson's plan.  How does he know The Scorpion will read the newspaper?  Especially THAT newspaper in particular?  In fact who IS reading it?  The front page is nothing but the crazed egotistical ramblings of the producer.  the only people who like that are Star Wars sequels fans and those haven't been invented yet.  And ho did they print it so fast?  Or has Spidey been running around the city for a day?  Why am I putting more thought into this than the creators?

 Because that's how Scorpions work

Remember, he's a genius

At this point, I'm not sure I want to be rescued by Spider-Man.  I'm not agreeing with Jameson, but I think I'd like someone speedier and who can clue in on what's going on within an hour.

Is there more than one Concrete?

Also, this happens.

And then Spider-Man barges through an open window.  What would he do if it wasn't perpetually August and no one has a mechanical air conditioning around?

I'd say they fight, but it's more of a wrestling match.  They'd inflict more damage on each other if they had pillows.  All they do is break furniture and betty shows up to be scared of it because the plot now says she can't use doors.

Spidey has a point.  Where DID he come from?  The bathroom?

Not only does Spider-Man say Ned is horning in on HIS girl, but he blames The Scorpion for giving Ned the opportunity to do it.  I told you the lesson of 'Not everything is about you' wouldn't stick.

Maybe YOU should look out.  You're still int he middle of a fight between super-powered people.

I think Jameson is trying to dance his way out of the comic

And it goes on.  And on.  I actually started wondering if I skipped a page and the fight was still going.

Finally, something happens.  The police show up.  They don't do anything, but they show up.  this prompts The Scorpion to bail, as he doesn't want to go back to jail.  Spider-Man says he'll gladly hurt him so much he wished he just went to jail.  How friendly.  Imagine having someone like that in your neighborhood.

Jameson's finally having fun, though.  He yells at the two with bravado, gets to pretend he's upset everything is broken when he'll just toss the broken stuff fand insurance will pay to fix and replace it, and the police have vanished.

Who is he talking to?

Told you.

Jameson decides since the police have vanished, he should get REAL photographers to take pictures of how heroic he was for... not dying I guess.

Also, Ned takes Betty home, since she's no longer part of the story.

Oh, and Sp-der-Man and the Scorpion are still fighting.  Is it an interesting fight? No.  Does it advance the characters in any way?  No.  Anything at all happens it that's new?  Spider-Man makes some bolas to finally subdue The Scorpion--a trick he'll never even think of using again.

And this is why

They both fall and instead of doing the easy thing of catching The Scorpion with webbing and leaving him dangling until the police show up, Spider-Man tosses them both out into the water next to the docks.  Either The Daily Bugle is located in the harbor, or that was a lot of effort to go to.

Hey!  It's meteorITES that land on earth.  Get it right.

Spider-Man plans for the Scorpion to drown.  I am not kidding.

I wasn't

But no, he doesn't actually let The Scorpion drown.  He uses water-proof webbing (hey, I just review these things) and pulls up a big bag of The Scorpion and abandons him on the dock for the police.

Just in time to miss his job and a woman who would have been arrested if she dated you before you turned eighteen if the 70's gave a damn about pedophilia.

Setback?  I sure hope no one got dating advice from Marvel. 

Peter tried on last tries one last time to be a creep, Aunt May has a mild fainting attack, and I don't care.  I'm not interested in a reason bullshit excuse for wahy Peter wants to destroy someone els's relationship so he can be with the woman just because he can't remember Liz's phone number. also, I'm diabetic and constantly get fainting spells.  Have a candy, Aunt May.

Let's go see if Dracula will do something more interesting.  Or any for more than a page at least.

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Spider-Douchery #2--The Vulture and the Tinkerer

There is some divisiveness over how a comic especially one such as Spider-Man, should be written.  Some are fans of arcs which guarantee a story for a character, but make missing an issue ruin the immersion and often giving a stronger sense of marketing or pandering than of entertainment.  Others are fans other meandering storylines with no designation is destination, giving a sense of humanity and chaos to the characters and world, but weakening any sense of story structure or character evolution.  Me, I prefer a middle ground, giving both a chance to thrive and work together, which is what we see a lot of in Amazing Spider-Man.

So, Peter Parker is Spider-Man, a science geek and yet not the sharpest crayon in the box, he needs money, J. Jonah Jameson has nothing better to do than complain about him, and Aunt May is a million years old.

Let's get this party started.

The story starts out immediately with, well, the story.

And just like that, The Vulture swoops in and steals a briefcase full of fortune bonds.  This act is apparently so shocking that crowds gather around to watch, despite taking no pictures.

It's probably hard to do anything useful when you're melting

Meanwhile, Peter Parker overhears that Jameson's newspaper, The Daily Bugle, is offering considerable amounts of money for pictures of The Vulture.  I should point out that as much as Jameson is so skilled at Journalism, it took him only a single article to turn the public against Spider-Man for putting on a silly circus show, he's threatening to replace editors if they can't get him photos.  No wonder he's surprised when a photographer managed to.

Given how much Jameson hates his alter ego and how much time and effort being a photographer will take out of his social and academic life, Peter of course thinks things through and--oh, wait, he doesn't. He immediately asks Aunt may for an ancient camera what use to belong to Uncle Ben and doesn't stop for a second to think about how bad the quality of the pictures might be.

A blonde, a brunette, and a guy named Moose? Are you Peter Parker or Archie?

 But don't worry, Marvel comics has taken subtlety outback and killed it.  Loudly.  By a clown.  So thinking things through would just waste everyone's time.  Case in point: With the rash of thefts committed by The Vulture, the Bugle sees no problem publishing an article about a million dollars of diamonds being moved, plus the when, where, and how.  So, do diamond companies let anyone print stuff like this, or do you have to ask politely first?

But hey, two can play at that game. The Vulture flies past Spider-Man giving no hoots and totally polluting by chucking rocks with messages tied to them through the windows of The Daily Bugle and the police station (don't bother asking why no one looked out the window, cops aren't going to accomplish anything but an angst-inducing death scene for at least ten years).

As The Vulture flies back to his lair to...I don't know.  He's got a lot of free time now.  Anyway, he flies back, I guess because he left the oven on.  Spider-Man spots him and immediately takes the opportunity to take a picture, only to carelessly kick a loose brick.  Well, The Vulture isn't as dumb as he looks and isn't having any of Spider-Man's shit, so he swoops down, tosses Spidey in a water tank a few buildings away and effs off.  He's got better things to do than stick around, whatever those things are.

Don't worry, this is issue #2.  Spider-Man's not in trouble (although turning him into a zombie water-bender early on would have been kick-ass).  He struggles for a bit and eventually leaps out and wanders off back to his camera. So much for tension.

At least he learns something this time.  He grabs extra web fluid packs so he'll never run out (we'll see how long that lasts) and attaches the camera to his belt.  I guess villains are too nice to notice the crotch bulge after this.  Spider-Man also takes time out to create a McGuffin to use against The Vulture so he can spend time giving us exposition instead of the story actually having tension.

The next day, Peter calls up The Daily Bugle, offering his pictures of The Vulture.  Despite the fact that any idiot could have figured out that either Spider-Man himself took the pictures or someone Spider-Man trusted well could have and that Jameson has it out for the guys, he immediately buys the pictures, and agrees to Peter's conditions of not asking how her took them (yes, that doesn't sound suspicious at all).

Even back then we were warned of the horrible Marvel Now! series he'd be responsible for.  If only we had listened.

One day later, everyone in Peter's school is excited to see the diamond exchange.  Really?  I know entertainment was different back then, but I don't think watching someone hand a suitcase to another qualified as anything close to fun or fascinating in the 60's.  The kids even make fun of Peter being scared when The Vulture shows up.  Why? He steals valuables and cash.  He has no use for abducting random teenagers.

And it's not just the teenagers who desperately want to see the diamond exchange and treat it like watching the president wrestle alligators for charity.  There's a  huge crowd of people already lined up, as well as cameras, reporters, helicopters, and policemen everywhere.  Not that theft is a petty thing, especially for a million dollars worth of stuff, but even back then it was pretty impossible to sell diamonds as an individual.  You'd just end up with a lawsuit for more money or given far less money to get them back.  Diamond companies were and still are one of the the closest real things we have to the mob and heck, it took a while for comic books to top them.

So, the helicopter flies directly above, cops are on every rooftop and two escort the man about to hand over the briefcase to an armored truck with guards inside and out and...

Wow.  New York's finest leave a lot to be desired.

The Vulture flies off through the sewer and  into the subway tunnels, with Spider-Man in so close in hot pursuit, he 's still next to where the robbery took place and in the middle of changing.  I'd be worried about how he's more interested in getting paid for pictures than actually stopping a villain or saving people from getting hurt, but I'm too distracted by New York's sewage and transportation system being connected by human-sized tunnels.  Eww.

Well, it's a good thing The Vulture doubled back to save Spider-Man much trouble of finding him.  But again, The Vulture has better stuff to do, not that he'd tell us what that is, and loops around before Spider-Man can figure out where he went.  He's not bothering with some guy who looks less like a spider than he does a vulture, and he's got the color scheme of Kermit The Frog.

However, Spider-Man is ready for him this time and he's not letting The Vulture get away with ignoring him.  It's his comic book, after all. So he goes all 'Let's see how you like McGuffin in the face!  Take barely explained plot device!'

Having disabled The Vulture's wings, Spider-Man jumps off, clings to  building and watching his plummet to the ground.  Yeah, don't make sure he won't land in traffic or on something sharp.  Not your problem, is it?

And people were surprised when this happened in Batman V Superman

The Vulture thankfully manages to land safely on a roof just and miss hitting the police helicopter coming to get him.  Instead of being there while he's arrested to make friends with the police or at least make sure The Vulture isn't hurt and he doesn't have to prepare for a huge lawsuit, Spider-Man hides and snaps pictures of The Vulture's arrest, completely oblivious to rules against recording on duty cops at the time.

Before the arrest is even made official by the police, Peter's selling the pictures to Jameson, who happily pays for them and tells him to go buy one of those new fangled Hula Hoops or Rock and Rock records or whatever the kids are into these days.

And so Peter tells Aunt May he 'paid rent for a full year and will be buying expensive new kitchen appliances'--were photos really that expensive back then?  Why not go work for Playboy then?--and The Vulture vows revenge, because of course he does.  While the page ends with 'The End', the comic isn't over.  All the McGuffining had to Make Room for the next story about The Tinkerer.

As much as he looked like an elderly Mr. Rogers with three spoons on some legos, I'd say the first guy with a real gun WOULD be your biggest threat so far

The next day, in class, the newest sinister plot is revealed.  No, it's not that he's making meth, it's that there's another teacher who wants him to intern for him and is about to unwittingly lead Peter to the villains' lair.

Meanwhile Liz is checking out Peter;s damn fine ass

Like any intern, his first assignment is to run personal errands for the teacher while important people do stuff, like getting paid.  I guess there are some things that never change.  So off he goes, with barely a complaint.  Ah, to be oblivious to what it's like to truly at the bottom of the ladder.  You'll get there, Peter, you'll get there.

When he gets there he meets Mr. McCreepy there, but thinks it's all the electric doodads that are making his spider-sense go off.  Are we sure this guy is a genius?  He tells McCreepy he's here to pick up his teacher's radio.  So Mr. McCreepy goes down into the basement to get and and he reveals the plot...ALIENS!  Yes, we're only in the second issue and we get aliens.

And these beings who have traveled light years to our planet to hide from society as they seek to take it over right under our noses, using their superior intellect and weaponry looks like...this:

Yes, a weight-lifter's girdle, a tiny speedo, and a sports bra that's too small.  I guess intimidation didn't make it onto the priority list.  Well, enough of that reveal, back to the old guy handing Peter the radio and Peter being shocked about how cheap the prices are.  Riveting stuff.

But Peter's spider-sense goes off!  Maybe he'll do something now.  Or maybe he'l just think it's all the electronic doodads and walk away with the radio.  Are we sure this guy is a genius?  Anyway, he heads back to school and gets to work being a lowly minion intern.  He notices his spider-sense is still going off and finally suspects there's something weird going on.  After his teacher leaves, he carefully opens the back to look for clues.  At least he's polite enough to wait until he's alone to break other people's things.

We're not told what he found, but apparently it's enough for him to quit whatever he's doing and change into Spider-Man so he can go fight the Tinkerer.  At first I thought he mistook the 'Intel Inside' label as an ominous message of evil, but it turns out he found spyware in the radio.

As he makes his way down to the basement, the aliens and The Tinkerer discuss how the spyware gives them valuable insight about the weaknesses of important humans.  Well, how smart do you expect aliens who can't dress themselves to be?

Anyway, they--Gaaah!

MY EYES!

Put some pants on!

Anyway, they start to spy on...someone with a camera hidden in the back of the radio.  Instead of just picking up darkness or the innards of a machine, they see..someone addressing another as 'Colonel' and talking about the defenses of the eastern seaboard.  How the aliens don't know if they're watching a televisions show isn't mentioned.  

By now, Spider-Man's caught up to them and has learned of their dastardly plot to...invade people's privacy I guess.  Spider-Man suspects they want to learn earth's military and scientific secrets, but that'd be too silly even for this comic.  Sure, they haven't figured out pants yet, but they have spaceships that can travel to other planets, they know our electronic communication and media devices inside and out, and they can keep a shop open while it sells its services for way below regular price.  Besides, if they wanted to know about our military, they'd be spying on Washington or the UN.

But while they spy on someone, Spider-Man spies on them, while another one of them spies on Spider-Man.  While we the reader are technically spying on all of them.  I suddenly have the urge to shudder all my windows and turn off all my lights.

This finally leads to our first real fight scene in the comic series.  Aliens shot at Spidey, he dodges, they chase him up a wall and onto a ceiling make him fall off, and then gang-rush him.  It's not amazingly brutal, but a) second comic and b) this is Spider-Man, not The Punisher or Judge Dredd.  We've got years to wait until writers forget that about him.

As he throws all the aliens off his back, remembering that he has spider-strength (but forgetting his webbing), the Tinkerer shoots him in the back with a ray gun.  Thankfully it wasn't set on 'Superhero', so it just stuns Spider-Man.  Instead of killing Spider-Man while he's unconscious, the aliens decide to just dump him in a terrarium they happen to have around.  They still want to kill him, so instead of changing their minds, they still put him in the terrarium and then let the air out.

If you thought dealing with The Vulture with a homemade McGuffin was a cop out of speeding through the plot, you don't know Spider-Man.  Contrivances are one of his superpowers.  As the air is being let out, he shoots his webbing through one of the holes and hits the EXACT RIGHT BUTTON on a control panel that opens the terrarium.

He then throws he aliens around, not caring to see if they're s fragile as humans, and when one is thrown into the control panels, it immediately light on fire. Because all super-advanced technology is made out of nitro-glycerin.  Just ask Star Trek.

The aliens run off, and just as Spider-Man tries to nab The Tinkerer,  he disappears in the smoke. Spider-Man decides they all have the right idea and gets out of the smoke-filled burning building.  People say Spidey must have set the building on fire, tons of private property is destroyed, the aliens turn tail and leave for another galaxy, and it's revealed that Spider-Man took the Tinkerer's mask off as he tried to grab him, and none of this is ever followed up in the next issue.

Wasn't this supposed to have something to do with responsibility?

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