Spider-Douchery #5--DOCTOR DOOM

Hey, look who got her Nexus 7 working again (sort of).  Anywho, on with the crazy...

Our story starts off with Jameson having nothing better today than bitch about how much Spider-Man sucks.  You'd think that even by this time, there'd be a lot more for the news to report on, from the political changes in Europe, to the developing problems in the Middle East, to wars in Asia, to intense civil rights movements in America, to whatever random crap the FF, Avengers, X-men, Dr. Doom, and Namor are up to.  I guess everyone in the world has taken a vacation this week.  Or he owns Fox News before its time.

While watching the TV at a bowling alley, all the teenagers predictable gush over Spider-Man, Jameson's accusations having no affect at all.  I'd ask why Jameson keeps trying, but I've already made a Fox News joke.   Peter, however,  says Jameson might have a point, after all, 'who the heck knows what Spider-Man is like?'  Here's a better question, 'who the heck invited you, Peter?'

Meanwhile, we see the hand of Dr. Doom adjusting the volume of the very same program.  He must have a huge cable bill, getting American news all the way over in Eastern Europe.

Even artists occasionally mistook Dr. Doom for a robot

What is his nefarious scheme?  To recruit Spider-Man to help him defeat the fantastic four!  Wow.  People were pretty dumb back in the days before google.  He talks about no one taking him seriously despite ruling a country and being a total baddie and then...this happens.

There's too much 'What?' going on for me to think of anything clever

There's some flashback or dream or the artist started taking drugs or something for a few panels before Dr. Doom uses a spider in a machine to contact Spider-Man.  Ignoring how this works over such a long distance--or at all for that matter--here's still the question of how in the hell anyone figured this would work.  Spider-Man could easily just be some circus performer who made amped up silly-string shooters and has nothing to do with real spiders.

Apparently the answer is 'Who cares?' as Spider-Man drops whatever he's doing and starts to panic about someone knowing his secret identity.  I guess as long as one comic character is jumping to conclusions, why can't all the others?  In fact, Spider-Man does it twice, and just goes to find out where the source of the Spider-Message came from, assuming that it couldn't be a trap or anything.

Whatever he was doing

Once he gets there, Spider-Man (sort of) comes to his senses and asks Dr. Doom what's going on, because it can't be good.  Doom, however, just admires Spider-Man's dramatic entrance.  Really?  The same Dr. Doom who later thought coming through doors or windows was for peasants admires this?  I guess he'll get there eventually.  At least he's a a nice sorcerer-scientist-alchemist who rules with an iron fist...who is in New York instead of wherever he's supposed to be ruling.  Then he gives a speech about how friendship sucks, power is awesome and blablabla together they can end this conflict and rule the galaxy.

"Well, it WOULD be a Better twist than Captain America working for Hydra"

Spider-Man jokes about joining up, but sarcasm doesn't exist in Latveria, so he has to correct Dr. Doom that he actually isn't interested.Dr. Doom declares they are then enemies and without stalling or spending five minutes narrating about it, Spidey just webs him up.  Dr. Doom, in return, does nothing. 

DOOM gives no fucks!

Actually, it turns out that's just a robot that looks like Dr. Doom and the real Dr. Doom has been doing jack all until now and shows up to pull a lever which opens a trap door.  Spider-sense, you had one job!  With the trapdoor open, Spider-Man jumps (off of...what?  Air?  There's a new level of comicbook physics for you) and leaps at the real Dr. Doom.  But Dr.  Doom's not having any of it.  He just tosses Spider-Man away as if he were some sort of crazy fangirl and starts shooting lasers at him.

Spider-Man is knocked out a window, but thankfully he manages to twist so that he lands int he water.  What water, as this building was int eh middle of the city a few pages ago, you may ask?  Why, the magic comicbook teleporting water, of course.

Spider-Man decides it's personal now, but just as he gets back to the abandoned building he met Doom in, it blows up.  Doom's just a funny guy that way.  Spider-Man gets the great idea to take pictures, only to get mad that an angry crowd has formed once he's done.  Maybe if you were Peter Parker, who is supposed to be taking pictures, this wouldn't have happened.  By the way, where the hell do all these New Yorkers live?  Power Rangers doesn't have this many abandoned buildings getting destroyed every week.

Despite this, Jameson gladly decides to pay for the pictures.  He also admits he agrees with the crowd that Spider-Man was the one who caused the explosions and resulting fire, but he couldn't be bothered to get up.  That or he was stuck in his chair again and didn't want to admit it.  Hearing this, Spider-Man turns things around and says that people are getting suspicious of him attacking Spider-Man all the time and questioning why.  Wait, a person whose a genius does something smart?  That's just impossible!  It turns out someone else thinks so too.  Betty Brant, Jameson's secretary confirms that many readers disagree with Jameson and question his reasoning (and mental faculties in later issues).  This is the end for Peter's intelligence, however, as his thoughts of her as a potential ally against Jameson immediately leads to thinking about how pretty she is. So much for paying attention.

Did he ever notice Jameson HAD a secretary before now?

Jameson admits his only motive is money.  Well, at least he's honest about it.

Meanwhile, Flash shows off his new Spider-Man costume to his friends. Wow, if only Peter was smart enough to think of that excuse.  But then, he's only a genius.

Meanwhile again, Dr. Doom can't stand not being in the spotlight of the comic for more than a page, so he narrates how he creates 'an instrument which will react to a spider's impulses the way a Geiger counter reacts to uranium'.  Either he's auditioning for Star Trek Voyager or he wants to make the most confusing gadget in comicbook history.  It doesn't matter, which, he's a shoe-in for both.

If you can't see where this is going, just wait.  Doom puts his Spider-Geiger onto a drone (or maybe a really ugly helicopter) and sends it out to monitor the whole city.  And wouldn't you know, Flash decides to spook Peter with his Spider-Man costume. Just when you think your old nostalgic comics had something creative to them, it turns out the writers quit halfway, probably to take drugs so they could write the next Dr. Strange comic (though the creator denies this).

Yup, Dr. Doom rushes after his helicopter-drone (or is in it and teleports out, the art is really confusing) and ambushes fake-spider-man with sleeping gas.  When will the predictability end? My guess is next issue, only to start up again. And yet again, Peter's Spider-sense does nothing while Doom is less than a foot away, abducting a minor.  I guess it too left to go take drugs.

I think he's deaf too.  Or also on drugs.

At least Flash's friends were paying attention.  They noticed something's up and wonder what they should do.  Peter, on the other hand, doesn't notice a damn thing still and just goes home to watch TV with Aunt May.  I'm not a Spider-Man writer, but doesn't he have patrolling or homework to do?  It turns out Peter's time-wasting was a good thing, otherwise he'd have missed Dr. Doom take over the airwaves and broadcast that he has Spider-Man and he'll kill him if the FF doesn't disband and surrender.

So, how does the FF know this isn't some guy in a costume or a Doombot having gone nuts? How does anyone know this isn't a publicity stunt?  Why doesn't Dr. Doom just crash into the FF headquarters?  It's not like it's secret and it's not like he cares about the traps.

C'mon, that's way too much thinking for this comic.  We gotta waste time, like hving Flash's friends call Peter and say he's missing.  Why him and not the police?  Again, that answer would get in the way of Peter outright admitting to Liz, whom he was upset he missed a date with last issue, that he couldn't give a flying fuck. Hey, he's Peter Parker now.  If you want Mild Mannered, go find Clark Kent.  If you want Friendly and In Your Neighborhood, you're going to have to wait until he decides to be Spider-Man.  Or go find Mr. Rogers. He'd probably be more help in this situation.

Thankfully, Peter can't figure out how to waste more time, so he tells Aunt May he'll be right back.  But now she wants to waste time and says she doesn't want him going out when Dr. Doom is around.  Apparently Peter thinks common sense is for losers, as instead of pointing out that Dr. Doom obviously wasn't interested in regular citzens, he goes to mess with the fuse box so he can leave unnoticed.  Peter, being the genius that he is, thinks he can rely on his Spider-sense, yet notices nothing wrong with that plan when Aunt May sneaks up on him and--Holy!  She looks older and deader than before.  Eventually I'm going to review a comic with a mummy in it and the mummy looks younger than unt May here.  Now that the power is out and she's completely useless--no point in working towards independence now that your husband is dead, you've got a teenager preparing for college to dumb all that on--she says its okay if he goes out and wastes money buying new fuses instead of trying to fix the fuse box herself.

She remembers how to make fire from her time as a young woman in the Neolithic era

So he goes outside to change into Spider-Man where everyone can see him and it's still broad daylight.  At least he double-checks all his equipment first.  We can't have his webbing fluid run out.  This comic isn't THAT predictable.  We get a slight intermission panel of the FF arguing and accomplishing absolutely nothing before moving on the Spider-Man using his 'genius' abilities.  He figures that to take over all broadcasts, Dr. Doom would need a shitload of electricity--true, but also a ton of equipment.  That should be easier to see than a bill longer than Al Gore's.  Instead of thinking, his Spider-sense finally returns as he nears a factory.  The broadcasting building and the telephone building didn't give him any sort of ominous sensation, but this building sure is.  Uh, Spidey, are you sure that's your Spider-Sense and not a lungful of smog?

Oh, look, the real villain of the series finally decided to show up again.  Or, more likely, this is just another doombot programmed to yell insults at the captured 'Spider-Man'.  It's not like a real genius like Dr. Doom would bee keeping an eye out for superheroes in case they, especially the FF, decide to just kick his ass over abduction and threats. Marvel sure sets the bar for 'Genius' pretty low back then.

So Spider-Man sneaks through the air vent to sneak up on Doom.  When I said this was predictable, I didn't mean for the two genius comic characters.

They guy I captured says he's not Spider-man, and now here's an indication Spider-man is behind me.  You can't explain that!

At least now the stupidity isn't so facepalming and more entertainingly goofy.  Also lasers.  Lasers are awesome.

Plus, a very hilarious out-of-context panel thanks to your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man.

'How dare you use innuendo on  Doom!'

And then this happens.  This is why I love comicbooks.  That and good storytelling, but we'll have to wait for that.

One More Day should have just been this panel

And then Dr. Doom gets all Queen Elsa of Arendale on Spidey's ass.  Why not before?  Because he needed to wait for the climactic battle at the end of the issue.  Doom is a man of drama and flair, after all.  And then he...throws a model universe at him?  Actually it's just  a delay so setting the entire floor on fire doesn't lose it's impact or charm.  It's not exactly a James Bond trap, but then it's not exactly remembering Spider-Man can stick to walls, either.  He probably took a set made for the FF and didn't want to waste it.

Then he electrifies the floor, only for Spider-Man to point out it's not that great for someone covered in metal.  See Doom, this is why you always check the fine print when you purchase traps.  But Dr. Doom has a doombot ready to...not do much.  It just kinda grabs Spider-Man loosely so Spidey can throw it at Doom while he aims a laser at Spider-Man.  I bet this all looked a lot cooler on paper.

But lasers are always awesome.  This one turns out to be a disintegration laser, which Dr. Doom is immune to because this is the only part he had time to put any thought into.Hey, if I were a supervillain, I'd put most of my effort and planning into my lasers being as awesome as possible, too.

So they fight, and fight and...uh...

Add caption

Oh, Doom just threw a small flash grenade.  I thought the Dr. Strange drugs were being used to write the wrong comic for while there.  Too bad, because that's all the time we have for an interesting fight. AS Spider-Man is blinded, Dr. Doom sees the FF's flying car and runs off.  Really?  You put all that time and effort against Spider-Man but seeing the FF's flying car from a distance makes you run off like you just had a three Big Gulps and the nearest restroom is 100 yards away?  Are you desperate not to miss the latest Game of Thrones episode before spoilers comes out?  Sandman put up more of a fight and he could be convinced to walk away and not do anything for a month if you gave him a few hundred bucks and a free pizza.

Peter also runs off, realizing Aunt May is like terrified and confused Chihuahua on caffeine and leaving her alone for more than an hour would mean she'd start chewing ont he couch.

Living up the his title of 'Friendy Neighborhood Spider-Man' he completely forgets all about Flash and is lucky the FF just happened to find him.  They're even aware of common sense enough to not only know being abducted by someone willing to murder you and threatens you about might be a bit traumatizing, but also that the real Spider-Man happened to stop by without doing what a superhero is supposed to do.

Ben Grimm: advocate of beating up kidnapping victims

Well, none of that affected Peter. He goes home, spends a single panel to find out he's lucky Aunt May didn't pee on the carpet, then abandons her to stand around like a store mannequin while Jameson complains while Betty Brant is as subtle as a sick moose about wanting to be be part of the comic's OTP with Peter.

We leave Captain Obvious and Lady exposition to end our comic with Peter thiking Flash must be embarrassed and bullied, only yo find out he's even more popular while the other kids tease him about it.  He mistakes being a dumbass and surrounded by bad writing as bad luck and we can all take comfort in the fact that barely any of this is ever referenced in the future.

_________________________________________

Click here

It's Marvel's favorite and most useless vampire.  It's Morbius in the Marvel Rebooted Universe.

The MRU could always use more readers and writers.

____________________________________

Looking for more?  Check out my other works and my store.

If you'd like to help keep these projects going!  Check out my Patreon and contribute.  Chooses from speedier blogs to a prize bag and a charity dinner!

Spider-Douchery # 1--Job Hunting, Space, and the Chameleon

 Rocky history aside, I've only recently become used to reading longer and more complicated comics online. Hey, bad 90's artwork took some time to get used to. I'm not complaining, I'm just late to jump on he bandwagon (and formally to poor to hitch a ride).

Ah, but what ride to take first? Marvel offers so many. Dark and gritty, humorous and silly? Meaningful or just simple entertainment? A long series that inevitable takes up time and dedication with the risk of leaving you unfulfilled or even heartbroken or angry in the end? Or to play it safe and find something you'd never get so attached to, but want some depth out of?

I chose to go with Spider-Man. Film and movies alone have given me all of those and much, much more.

Including the most awesome themesong in existence

Sure, there were mediocre and downright bad versions of him. Some tried to be weird, some put too much effort in being 'hip'. Some tried to downright re-invent parts of Spidey's world to the point of being a huge distraction or plothole even. But I didn't care. When they got things right, they got things perfect. He's always been Amazing, Spectacular, and The Friendly Nighborhood Spider-Man.

When done right.

So let's check out the comics. Back to the well. The original. The absolute best--

Okay, but--

Well, there's--

Screw it, there's something good, I'm sure of it.

Yeah...while Spider-Man officially debuted in Amazing Fantasy in 1962, he didn't get his own series until 1966.  The art had some obvious growing pains, which I'm not sure were all that passable for back then.

From the first page, it's quite clear that thins never slow down for Peter and his Aunt May.  While he's complaining that just last night he was bitten by a spider and he lost Uncle Ben to a shooter, Aunt May pleads for an extension to pay rent.

Well, Peter can do two things.  He can whine about Uncle Ben and make his own pity part about the rent.

Which might have worked if he weren't thirty and she wasn't too old to be a zombie

First thing he does is imagine all the robberies he could pull off as Spider-Man.  But then, three panels later he's worried how Aunt May will feel if he ever gets caught.  For a super-genius, he has no idea how to plan a simple robbery.

He settles on getting an agent and performing stunts as Spider-Man. Sadly, he can't cash his check without exposing his secret identity.  I'm not sure who's worse at this, Spider-Man for being so bad at hiring a competent agent, or the agent for not realizing this would be a problem in the first place.

Meanwhile, J. Jonah Jameson is already mad about Spider-Man and decides to put him in his place by writing up late edition article.  As much as he's the main antagonist for Spider-Man for decades, he's the only person good at his job in the series until his editor shows up and takes over that role, because one article form one newspaper is enough to convince everyone in New York City to boycott Spider-Man's show forever.

However, it's not really the show he's mad about, it's that Spider-Man took two up panels to stop the criminal who killed Uncle Ben when those panels could have been used on Jonah's son, the astronaut.   If J. Jonah Jameson were real, we'd be arguing that NASA has too much of a budget.

Peter's not about to give up just yet.  He's going to find a real job--okay, actually he spied Aunt May and followers her like a creepy stalker and finds her pawning junk jewelry.

Which she seems fine with

So he does what any sane adult--what any normal teenager--he blames Jameson for everything and starts beating on a wall, vowing that Spider-Man will will stalk the streets.  And here I thought it would take until the 2010's for him to get pissed at someone for no reason.

The next day, Peter's watching the space shuttle with younger Jameson in it take off.  Why?  Because he has nothing better to do.  The caption even tells us that, just as we begin 'Part 2'.  Why Part 2?  Fuck if I know.  The shuttle launches, the top capsule detaches, and everyone's in danger.  Raise your hand if you're surprised (put that down and go read a comic book!).

But don't worry, obviously Spider-Man's here to help.  Remember, Peter's got nothing better to do.  So he runs over to his house, grabs his costume, and goes all the way back to the launch site to stop the rocket capsule.

There's not much else to Part 2.  Spidey says he'll save the say, Jameson bitches, Spidey webs up a guard instead of just saying he's trying to help, he hops on a plane to catch up to the capsule, snags it with webbing, replaces a missing piece, beginning 'Part 3.'

Part 3 isn't much.  Jameson still hates Spider-Man and wants him arrested and Peter's mad about it.  I can't see this getting old at all.

Peter's still mad, but his money troubles distract him from hurting any more innocent walls.  So of course he decides to bug he Fantastic Four about it.  Sure, makes sense.  If he wasn't supposed to be a super genius.  Or supposed to act like a normal adult.  Or just plain have common courtesy and sense.

So he walks right in, setting off booby traps, climbing through their roof, and giving them all a run for their money in a fight.

Not that it's hard to defeat Sue

When it's over it turns out he could have just called for an appointment and found out they were a non-profit group and didn't have that kind of salaries.  Waah, wah.

The rest is Spider-Man dealing with his first ever actual villain: The Chameleon.  Yup, we're over two-thirds of the way though a superhero comic and we've finally gotten to a real villain. The rest is him and a newspaper editor getting mad at each other, him hijacking various military vehicles, and breaking and entering.

Anyone remember when the Chameleon was a guy with an illusion belt that created solid holograms?  Well, there's not of that here.  He's just a guy in a body suit and goggles with a cartoon disguise kit.  He ties up a janitor and pretends to be him until he changes in an empty hallway where anyone can see him to disguise himself as a scientist and then just walks up to top secret files and steals half of a missile plan.  Well, that's what you get for not paying attention and getting haircuts that look like novelty items.

Why not just steal the keys disguised as the janitor?  Because where's the drama in that?  In fact, this is already too low-key for The Chameleon.  He decides to not only frame Spider-Man for hies next heist, but to send a message to him using only a frequency Spider-Man can hear.  Apparently spiders worked differently in the 60's.

Go home, comic, you're drunk

Like the super genius idiot he is, he follows the signal to the very roof of the building The Chameleon is robbing next.  At this point I've given up on trying to figure out who's dumber and just wish  had that cool web-squirt gun The Chameleon uses before running off to a helicopter on the roof just before the real Spider-Man arrives.

 Dear Amazon...

Spidey is his usual helpful and friendly self, webbing up cops without explanation and using the most ridiculous of comic book physics to pinpoint exactly where the helicopter and and where it's headed and launch himself right at it.  He gets points for enthusiasm, I guess.  Some how he steals a boat, (I guess he didn't get that far), and heads out the a not-at-all communist submarine the helicopter is headed straight for.

Maybe people aren't dumb so much as they're all blind.  Ether way, The Chameleon fails to notice either Spider-Man webbing up the submarine doors or him leaping at the helicopter until it's too late.  He tries to throw Spider-Man off, Spidey rips the door off and forces The Chameleon to land...somewhere right in front of the police, and despite how many things he stole and how many cops he's webbed up without so much as a 'sorry', they believe him about it all being The Chameleon's fault.

There's a few more pages left, so the writer has The Chameleon get away thanks to a smoke grenade.  Apparently when you can't see, you stop holding on to someone. He disguises himself as a cop, but Spider-Man's spider-sense goes off in his presence, despite it never happening before.  The Chameleon turns off the lights, but spider-sense works like Daredevil's powers and Spider-Man lunges at him.  The lights are turned on, The Chameleon still tries to get Spider-Man arrested, and instead of trying to prove his innocence, Spider-man runs off for no reason and cries about his powers.

Um, what a hero?

_________________________________________

Click here

It's Marvel's favorite and most useless vampire.  It's Morbius in the Marvel Rebooted Universe.

The MRU could always use more readers and writers.

____________________________________

Looking for more?  Check out my other works and my store.

If you'd like to help keep these projects going!  Check out my Patreon and contribute.  Chooses from speedier blogs to a prize bag and a charity dinner!