Spider-Douchery #14--Green Goblin (and more Enforcers)

We get a comic that admits 'fuck it, Peter's not that interesting yet' and goes straight to the villain being wacky.  The Green Goblin--whose outfit hasn't changed much since his conception--has just finished work on his broomstick.

That is not a joke.  Or a typo.

Yes, the Green Goblin originally rode on a mechanical flying broomstick.

Is it me, or does he look like a rejected Captain Planet villain?

While he's having fun, the Enforcers are not.  The most fun thing they've done since they were last seen is switch outfit colors between Crotch Puncher and Lasso Guy.  Green Goblin offers them revenge on Spider-Man and they agree to join forces.  Just once, I'd like to see someone who deserved revenge on Spider-Man get it.

But we're not here to talk about Morbius Sandman Jameson spoilers.  We're here to talk about...the most over-the-top producer until the guy who takes over the Daily Planet in Superman 4.  I wouldn't be surprised if that guy was based on this one.  Just as the guy is about to start the reboot craze 3 decades early, the Green Goblin shows up. The Goblin offers Crazy Movie Guy a chance to make a movie starring him, the Enforcers, and Spider-Man.

How the hell is he going to do this?  Why hire Spider-Man to cooperate int a movie and not kill him now?  Who knows  The Green Goblin flies off out the window.

"Except for the last guy who guy us orders"

Then it's off to show Peter at school.  After the comic turns Flash into a one-note joke (and Liz into s two-note one),  some random guy strolls onto the campus to blast a plot-relevant announcement from his radio. He immediately catches up to see the Green Goblin.  I'm sure there's nothing suspicious as a guy who dresses up as a goblin and hangs around close to schools where children and underage teens are.

Remember when people wandered around with radios this way?

So, Spider-Man jumps on the broomstick--which is pretty well-built if it can easily support two people--and says he's going to stop him.  Wait, why?  He's a guy in a costume flying around.  There's already tons of people like that: The Fantastic Four, Ironman, you...just because he's not fighting crime doesn't mean he's a bad guy.  Maybe he just wants to dress up and fly around?

The Green Goblin does the heinous act of saying he represents the movie producer when he doesn't.  Technically that's fraud, but he's also offering Spider-Man a job that the producer is willing to give him.  So far his plan seems to either pull a Brandon Lee or gloat that Spider-Man can't cash a check made out to him.  Spider-Man then leaps off the broomstick to go see the movie producer.  I know he's not doing anything bad, but how can you trust him?  The movie producer is his only reference.

It turns out the producer does want to hire Spider-Man, even on Spider-Man's own terms, so long as Spider-Man goes to Hollywood and keeps up his end of the deal. Is Green Goblin's plan to get him out of the city, or make him look like a self-obsessed ass like Shatner?  That's actually pretty clever.

It's that easy?  Well, then someone dress up in a costume, fly on a broomstick and tell DC to make happier movies without washed out colors ASAP

And it works!  Aunt May gives up with barely a guilt trip and Jameson tells Peter to get his ass to Hollywood, minor or not, and take pictures.  Either news travels really fast in the Bugle or Peter takes a long time to get to work.  The only person who has a problem is Betty, who give a passive aggressive fight that can make stereotypical mother-in-laws a run for the money.

I have One More Day to accomplish that.  I can wait.

Moving on to Hollywood with no explanation for anything save for a shoddy throwaway one-liner as to why no one is watching the 'actors', the most predictable of predictable events happens: they fight Spider-Man.  Nothing coordinated or anything; they just start to wail on him haphazardly while there's no supervision save for interns not paid enough to stop or report a fight.

Must...falll...fanulously...again

Spider-Man gets his ass kicked.  Yup, when he had almost no trouble with the enforcers before, he sucks now.  It's not like the Green Goblin makes the fight more complicated; he throws a single bomb that does no damage and that's it.  Spider-Man panics and creates a dust cloud out of the heavy sand on the movie set and runs off.  I don't think that's how sand works, Spider-Man.

That's not how spiders work either

Whatever.  Spider-Man manages to hide among the very generic sets and the Green Goblin can't find him.

We leave that cliffhanger for some mood whiplash.  The Green goblin says Spider-Man has to come out of hiding one of these days, implying a very sinister intent, and then the next panel is Aunt May writing the most cliche Grandma-esque letter short of telling him to remember to wear a sweater.  Then Liz asks the other kids at school if any of them have been contacted by Peter while he's away.  This leads to an argument about Peter between Liz and Flash.  Liz yells that Peter's smart and sensitive while Flash claims Peter's not brave.  Either the two learned to argue on Reddit or they're both into Peter.

Now kiss

Enough of that pointlessness.  Now for some stupid.  Spider-Man hides in a giant mountain set with a cave in it.  That or a mountain set that leads to a cave set.  Given this story, the more realistic option is the less believable one.  The Green Goblin has the enforcers seal up the cave with a giant rock.  Despite it being a prop rock and the cave just being a set Spider-Man should easily walk out of from the other side, the Enforcers struggle to stop up the cave with a fake boulder.

While in the very extensive cave set, spider-Man picks off the Enforcers one by one and strings them up in his webbing--except for Ox, whom he just punches out.  No, don't try to warn the others, just hang there and wait to complain when they turn around and see you.

And then the Hulk shows up.  That's not a typo, either. The Hulk just shows up for no reason or having anything to do with narrative flow.  Understandably, The Hulk sees Spider-Man as an enemy immediately.  Can't fool him.

You'd think a genius wouldn't insult the Hulk if he disn't want to get smashed

Well, okay, you can, but it takes three entire pages for Spider-Man to come up with a way to fool The Hulk.  The hulk keeps trying to tackle Spider-Man, who keeps dodging, so Spider-Man gets the bright idea to trick The Hulk into smashing the boulder blocking the cave entrance.

Did he just behead The Hulk?

Why did he need that?  Why was The Hulk hiding there?  Was that a real cave just a few feet from a movie set?  Who know and who cares, there are only three more pages of the comic left.  Spider-Man tries to fight the Green Goblin, falls off the broomstick, remembers the Enforcers are in The Hulk's cave and rescues them and The Green Goblin run off in their own separate directions and Spider-Man doesn't remember about the movie until it has to be scrapped.

Yup, by the time Spider-Man remembers 'Oh right, I have a contract that could make me some money,' the project was scrapped and the producer thought it would be more lucrative and easier to hire The Hulk.  The producer tells Spider-Man to fuck off and learn some punctuality and hands him enough money to do the former.  There's nothing that'll teach him the responsibility he'll later pound into our heads.

So the comic ends with Peter taking the bus home so he'll have money to give to Aunt May and ignoring budgeting, missing school, having no pictures for Jameson, and the Hulk still being mad at him.

Meanwhile, the Goblin likes to leave us with many unanswered questions, such as How would Hollywood help him build a Crime Syndicate?  Why did he think Spider-Man couldn't defeat three guys he's defeated before? Ad how does his hat stay on?

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WHAT THE HELL IS HE SWINGING ON COUNT: 0

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