Tuesday, November 9, 2021

Dracula # 7--Adventures in Babysitting

 

I don't think Blade would care

But we can't be bothered to remember any other lore in the book

Or any of the movies.  Driving a servant insane to eat bugs?  The strange women hitting on people?  Sunlight doing jack shit?  Needing native earth?  Turning into mist?  Summoning wolves?  Why remember any of that when there are tons of movies that remember that for you already made before this is published?


Beats me, I don't work for Marvel.

Speaking of which, Dracula stands in the blizzard for a page before remembering he's mobile and can go somewhere else and not freeze or starve to death.  And here I thought the vampire hunters were rock stupid.

Who doesn't love walking home alone in a snowstorm?

Yep.  Instant vampire bait.  She doesn't die because she wears a crucifix, but she does get the five-fingered salute for it.  Given how we've had six issues with Drac's super-strength, that is going to leave one hell of a mark.

Rats move in to eat her alive before some guy in a wheelchair chases them off.  Good, now she can freeze to death.

Meanwhile, Dracula goes... somewhere to bitch out Renfield Clifton.

Dude, boundaries

He also gets predictably bitchslapped.

Speaking of uselessness Rachel explains to the parents who decided to be horrible was better than waxing or shaving their kid. She conveniently leaves out how Taj is now dying of starvation and thirst somewhere.  Why is Marvel telling us these people are heroes?

Wheelchair guy turns out to be Quincey Harker, son of Mina and Jonathan Harker--which also book accurate, but that still doesn't explain why Dracula fears the sun and can't turn into mist or summon wolves. Let's see if she got her intelligence from his of the family.

Hunting?  Easy.  Killing?  Takes more than two brain cells and reflexes faster than Jell-O

Quincey Harker, the guy in the Wheelchair, explains the obvious.  I'd call this stupid but it's Rachel he's talking to.

And then explain where you came from as you  haven't shown up in this comic until now and you should be dead

They spend around three pages telling instead of showing a whole bunch of vampire-fighting gadgets.  The only one we see is a garlic-laced net.

TMI, Frank

So what do you call Renfield and all those vampire ladies, Rachel?

That night Dracula wakes up and declares he has a plan

Anyone else laughing at this?

No, he doesn't try to conquer the world by becoming a dodgeball champion (admittedly I'd read or watch that). Instead, he hypnotizes the kids.  Instead of finding a home to steal and let the children go nuts Home Alone style, though 

Uh...

A scream, which could indicate anything! Let's all go be useless!

Frank tackles Dracula without a second thought.  He may be as dumb as a post, but that took balls.

I'm not sure what's more hilarious: the unintentional innuendo or that it took this long for  the writers to remember he has that power

Dracula sure is flexible

Oh, and Taj is back for good now. Why?  How? I don't care.

Quincey tells Taj to hold Dracula down so he has time to stab Dracula with a stake.  Look, I'm all for rights for the disabled, but you're in a wheelchair, Quince.  I don't think you could reach if you tried.  You're better off running the vampire over several times.

And suddenly they are outside.  I have no idea when they were inside, so I'm going to call this a mulligan.

Dracula flies off and Quincey and The Moron Brigade follow by car.

Dracula flies to a castle--because it's London, of course, there are castles everywhere-- and decides to just go to sleep, knowing he's being followed and Frank and Taj are watching him from a window.  Clifton is immediately bound and gagged by the group who somehow teleported into the castle's second story when the only door was locked.  Sure, why not?

Pic: Why not let Taj do it himself?  Then again, why leave the coffin in the middle of the room?

Of course, it's not the real Dracula in the coffin.

Pic: Some People can't resist spoiling the ending

Dracula teases that they just stabbed a dead lookalike.  Why?  I guess he rolled a 1 on intelligence.

Dracula then unleashes his army.  Yes...children.  Children of the Corn?  No.  Whiny kids?  No.  Babies that puke and pee?  No.  Just...children.

And the comic just...ends.

There was also something that you could call a subplot if you squinted really hard if you stayed up for three nights in a row about rats surrounding people, but it went nowhere and could hardly be connected to Dracula.  He didn't make a speech about it and he never needed them when they showed up, so...

All I can say is this comic was probably written on post-it notes. Out of order.  And some were lost.  And some lunch orders were mixed in.

Next time: Spider-Man again

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