Parenting is hard. Anyone who argue otherwise is trying to sell you a bigger scam than the Brooklyn Bridge. Yes, celebrities--especially those who don't deserve to be them, and politicians can completely change the way you have to parent by changing how you have to survive yourself. It' is hard enough to survive in order to help to be shape to keep your child alive when that because harder and requires more effort and energy--but you can't return a child or put them in storage for when you can get back to them as a project. Children are, by definition, from the start, other human beings with their own ideas opinions, thoughts, and free will. Your job is to keep them safe, clean, fed, mature, and empathetic.
You are always teaching your child. From when they are born to when, sadly, one of you has to say goodbye. Even that teaches them. Yes, it's a frightening thought, especially when you think about what you will or have learned when it teaches you.
But there is no off switch for learning for children or filer for what teaches them. It's not always you that teaches them, but what you allow them to learn from, what you tell them how to learn from it, and how you constantly teach and reinforce these lessons.
Just because someone survived something they shouldn't have experienced, it doesn't mean anyone else should experience it as well. Do you want to be assaulted, scammed, mugged, bitten, poisoned, abused, or have to survive a disaster just because you can live through it? Do you want to be told you have to? Then why put your kids through it? They're going to learn the exact same lesson you will--or better in some way-- to hate who caused it to happen to them and to avoid the person, not to associate their action with someone else's anger, pettiness, or hypocrisy.
Using toxic language around your children, even when they are adults, teaches them to use it. Teaching them toxic lessons can have worse results.
Hypocrisy: Yes, you are the adult and they are the child. You are in charge. You are old enough to drive and they aren't. You get to vote and they do not. You legally have a job and pay for rent and groceries and such and control the budget. But you always need to teach your children simple lessons by doing the same thing you want them to do. Do you want them to clean your room? Why would they when yours looks like a tornado went 'I'm not this good'? Do you want your kids to eat their vegetables? What are you eating? How often do you brush your teeth? Do you scream for them to come to you over minor inconveniences, but get mad when they copy your behavior? Kids don't take 'Because' or 'I said so' or 'I'm the adult' well. Everyone else calls that 'spoiled' or 'stubborn'. You haven't given them a reason to do it; you've given them an obstacle to avoid or overcome. You've ruined credibility. Who listens to someone who says not to drink and drive when they already speed and don't wear seatbelts?
Dismissiveness: It doesn't matter if you're tired. It doesn't matter if you're busy. It doesn't matter if you're and adult witha college degree and know how to pay taxes and handle car payments and a mortgage and they are a child who is barely in school. It doesn't matter if your child isn't perfect. You acknowledge accomplishments. Second place is still great and should be treated as such. They're 1005th B should still be praised to keep them academically interested and to encourage them to get A's. You need to train them to try hard and enjoy working hard so they end up praising themselves later in life.
Comparison: Why can't one kid be just like another kid? Why can't your dog be like your cat? Why can't your Honda be like a Porsche? Why can't a frog be like a bird? Why can't Danny DeVito be like Shaquille O'Neil? See the pattern here? Individuals can't be like other individuals because they are individuals. Some kids don't have the same height or strength or lack the same amount of hand-eye coordination. If you want that frog to fly, you have to give it wings and help it learn to flap. And be prepared to help it be the froggiest frog that ever frogged.
Dismissing Feelings: Do you feel better or worse when a coworker or boss tells you to stop being emotional? If you have a bad day, is it made better if someone tells you that there are people who have it worse or do you need sympathy? Do you think it is okay for someone to tell you to get over the destruction of an object that held sentimental value? If you know how you need to be treated, you know how your kids need to be treated. Yes, toddlers throw tantrums because the cookie they are is gone, but when children become actual children or older, they need to be respected. How would you end up if you learned to handle your emotions by bottling them up and thinking you should be ashamed of feeling anything because emotions bother people? Addressing emotions properly--the way you know they need to be addressed if you were in the same situation--teaches kids how to address emotions properly, including those of others--imagine if that volatile or skeezy coworker was taught how to properly act in public; wouldn't that be a major improvement if his parents had parented?
Threats and Guilt trips: First, children do not owe you anything but gratitude after you raised them, fed them, took them to doctor's appointments, clothed them, and sent them to school. The bare minimum that keeps CPS and constant meetings with school counselors is what parents are expected to do if they chose to have a child. Even if that choice is complicated, the child is innocent of that complication. They don't owe you back pay just because children need to eat enough to grow properly and teenagers even more for the same reason. They don't owe you money, time, or, emotional investment. You don't have to spoil your children for them to grow up and want to help out and hang out later in life. But just like adults, threats and guilt trips will drive them away. Even without a therapist, someone will teach them what you conditioned into them is wrong. They will likely learn for themselves. Everyone has a snapping point. Do you want them to snap?
Broken promises: "We'll do it later" "We'll see." "Maybe next time." "We forgot." "I promise" turning into "I didn't promise that." or just "Oops" all teach children never to expect parents to follow through on anything. It teaches them that they can't trust you--with anything in the future. This causes two behaviors in kids. They can scream "Do it NOW" not out of selfishness or lack of patience (well, with you), but because if it wasn't done right then in their face, it never would be done. Another behavior is never opening up about big events--from report cards to doctor's appointments to being fed. If your time is more important than them, when would it ever be important about them? And why bother waiting, or even asking?
Blame: You made the choice to have kids. You know they screw up. You know they have needs and should be given gifts and help to join activities and end up meaning contributions to school and won't automatically be able to ace every test without help. Kids are not the reason you were dumped just because they had needs or appointments. Kids are not the reason the car broke down just because they are kids. Kids will fail tests if they don't study and they will need help studying. Unless they actively did something on purpose, whatever disaster happened was not their fault. Don't tell them so.
Yes, you can punish your kids: Being a parent requires integrity. Break a promise and you can't be trusted. Blame and shame a child and they will see you as a threat. But appropriate punishment doesn't meant trust is broken. Consequences are not threats. A big part of being a kid is learning. That means screwing up and facing the consequences. There is no possible way to prevent your kids from screwing up. It is best for a kid to screw up in t minor way, such as trashing the kitchen or skipping school, than it is for them to lean consequences when they are older and the police explain what the consequences are for extreme property damage and having injured someone.
Now go parent. I trust you. Figure out what is ignorable. Settle fights between siblings before they escalate. Let your kids get mild boo-boos so they learn not to get serious injuries. Show your kids they can trust you to be there for them when their life sucks so they will be here when your life sucks. Teach them that fun has boundaries but not limits--and you'll join in. Teach them discipline isn't punishment or a reward, it's how not to fall apart in life. Show them a real parent. Trust me, they'll love you for it.
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