Spider-Douchery #20: The Scorpion

Right off the bat, we get this.  Just in case you threw away the last comic because of the girls and missed the last panel.  Don't worry, his Spider-Sense is politely waiting for the next panel to go off.

Peter notices the guy following him and lets the guy follow him to his house.  He stays in his room and panics.  You're a photographer, dumbass, get proof and call the cops.  No one's going to investigate that you're Spider-Man unless you change in front of the window--oh.

The comic has decided to add a scene just to remind the readers he's a douche

Don't worry, Spidey will handle things.

"Good thing I'm changing in front of this open window. No one can tell my identity now!"

So he follows the guy until the man starts to head back to the house and Peter has to come up wit some stupid way to distract him that a Prime Time sitcom would reject as too stupid.

He lets the Mystery Guy follow him for a few more days, including to work.

Meanwhile...exactly there I guess, Jameson is mad no one has an anti-Spider-Man story.  Someone has developed a way to mutate animals?  How comical..wait, that's a plot point.  Good thing Newspapers front names and addresses of all scientists and have no respect for privacy.

Then, in a timewarp I guess, Mystery Guy decides to take a break.

I think a thousand spiders would be better at math

It turns out Mystery Guy is Mac Gargan and he's been working for Jameson, who no longer wants him to follow Peter.

Wait, if Peter's in the building, how did he miss Mystery Guy coming in to talk to Jameson?  It doesn't seem to matter as Jameson storms past Peter along with Mac.  Not even Betty's attempt to make Peter jealous can distract Peter from noticing.

Guest starring a Who from Whoville

Enough of that.  Jameson visits the scientist and is actually impressed. The scientist has created an aquatic rat and an arboreal fish.  Jameson offers the scientist ten thousand dollars to complete a private project.  I know this is the '60's, but I'm pretty sure most high tech equipment cost more than that back then.

He also pays Mac Gargan $10,000 to drink the serum the scientist creates.  Because during the Cold War, all American scientists studied the Defense of Dark Arts.  Oh, and Dr. Frankenstien too, apparently.

This is much more important because...shut up

The scientist also creates a robotic tail for free.  That was nice of him.  It works just like Doc Ock's tentacles because...shut up.  It takes being told three times to stop breaking things int he lab and go practice before going after Spider-Man.  Mac only half listens.

He's so coordinated, he can hold onto two things at once

Then we move on to Betty and Peter.  Are we sure there's no one else to write a scene about?  No police officers having to deal with improperly handled citizens arrests?  The psychologist with the cool mustache isn't around?  Fine.  We move on to Betty and Peter.

"How dare that man say 'hi' to me and nothing else!"

Immediately after, Peter changes into Spider-Man to bother Jameson.  You know Spidey, maybe he wouldn't think of you as a menace if you didn't drop by every week to insult him.  At least come in through the front door and wait for him to start shit first.  Just a thought.

And then the Scorpion jumps in to start a fight.  Finally.  10 pages into a 24-page comic and we finally get the villain.  And the actual plot.  The Jameson stuff could be summed up in a few lines and some evil cackling.

Admittedly, the Scorpion gives him a hard time.  Hitting him is like trying to punch a brick wall without powers and he hits back like a brick wall without spider-anti-concussion-powers.  Unfortunately, he forgot about Spider-Man's webbing, making him as intelligent as a brick wall too.

Then Scorpey gets a bright idea: Scorpions have pincer, and even more, they have tails.  He cuts himself free and starts doing what he did to the lab to Spider-Man.  Wow, if only Spider-Man deserved it this time, this would be epic.

But, meanwhile, it turns out that as the Scorpion's strength increases (it is?), the more evil he will become.  Because science is based on alignment, didn't you know that? Don't worry, he has an antidote.  If you didn't know scientists always make those too, geez, you've got some learning to do about science.

Back at the ranch...I mean fight...

I don't think I like this answer.  I don't think I like the question.

Scorpion wins.  ...yay?

Good thing no one depends on...whatever that was

Much unyayness for Jameson.  Jameson wants  Spider-Man brought over so he can unmask him.  Scorpion says he's got other stuff to do.  Like getting paid?  No, the Scorpion decides to rob an armored car.  You know, the kind that tracks the money in it with serial numbers and alerts the police to look for people paying in large amounts of high denomination bills when after a robbery.  I don't think he thought this 'evil' through.

It turns out the car is empty.  So the Scorpion beats up the cops carrying jewels to the car and takes off with the goods. Where exactly does he intend to spend it all?  People don't barter these days.  The diamond company won't buy their diamonds back and it's hard to pawn them even if pawn shops weren't on the look out for loose diamonds now.

Spider-Man wakes up now and he's...I actually can't tell.  Pissed?  Determined?  Obligated?  I'm going with obligated.

The doctor catches up with the Scorpion and instead of calling the avengers, he just tells the Scorpion that he'll be a super-powered sociopath for the rest of his life if he doesn't take the antidotes soon.  Scorpion tells him to fuck off.  The scientist tries to throw the antidote at the Scorpion, but...well, if you have a Ph.D. in mutating creatures pointlessly, you don't make time for athletics.

Oh, and the scientist fell to his death.  Too bad there isn't a superhero that could have prevented that--oh wait, he's Spider-Man to not give a shit.

Well at least...what the hell?

I don't think spiders can twist like that

I guess they're fighting now.  The comic doesn't really want to focus on what the cover advertised.

What?  I'm summing up things that already happened and this panel is pointless?

Jameson panics. This is all his fault!  Well, yeah.  Duh.  He didn't think of that before he created the Scorpion?

Back to the fight.  Scorpion wins.  How necessary for the story.  Especially since they fight again just after.  No, I'm not kidding.  The Scorpion attacks The Daily Bugle (the building, not a  newspaper) and Spider-Man comes to the rescue of Jameson and Betty.  This time spider-Man webs the Scorpion's feet to the ground and rips his tail off.

Seriously?

Holy shit.

What if that tail was part of him?  Or connected to his spine or nerves!

This is the superhero who thinks Deadpool goes too far.

He beats up the Scorpion and then leaves.  No, don't stick around to help the police contain him or anything.

While Jameson attempts to add some depth to the story by contemplating the irony of needing to be saved by his enemy from that which he created to get rid of his enemy, Peter comes up with the stupidest excuse ever.

He tells Aunt may he got beat u in a football fight.  Good things she's too senile to remember he has no friends and doesn't play sports ever.  No one at school asks for his excuse because he's an asshole.

I thought hte Scorpion was the one who couldn't tell right from wrong

WHAT THE HELL IS HE SWINGING ON COUNT: 3
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