Spider-Douchery #24: Spider-Man Goes Nuts

Nah, he's just angry

How do you shake a web at something?

No, the first scene of the comic is the mailman arriving with a package C.O.D. and Pater having to dig into the money stashed away in the cookie jar to pay for it.  What could be so important to blow the last of your money on?

A hat for Ms. Watkin's Watson's tea party.

So he decides to be an enabler and go earn more cash for her.

Who talks like that, outside of The Hobbit?

Spider-Man spots some burglars and beats them up for a while.  He only stops--and I can't believe I didn't catch this the last time I read this issue--because his automatic camera is out of film.  Yes, the explanation for fights taking up so much of the comic and being filler is because he's beating up on and playing with criminals so he can get good pictures to sell.  What a jerk.

He gets a big dose of karma when Foswell shows up and wants to interview him.  He runs away and destroys the film.  He can't have any evidence that Spider-Man was there but not Peter Parker.  He's also out of film and out of money.

So he makes a contingency plan for this to never happen, right?

Nope, he decided to bother Betty of course.  While bothering her he 'accidentally' finds a letter to Ned Leeds.  Since she hasn't thrown a tantrum this issue or last, he figures he should.

How DARE you have contact with someone else of the opposite sex?

It looks like karma was just waiting for him to throw a tantrum and leave.  Once he's gone, Foswell and Jameson start talking about how there's no point in reporting the robbery because Spider-Man stopping robbers is old news.  The pictures would have been pointless anyway.

Jameson doesn't care about that, though.  He wants Foswell to write about how he hates Spider-Man, ignoring the obvious fact that it would be about a crook hating Spider-Man, making Spider-Man look good.

Well, if Fosswell doesn't want to write about how much Spider-Man sucks, Jameson can jazz up his newspaper by having random people on the street complain about Spider-Man and print what they say just for short-lived fame.  Eh, still better than media today.

Flash sees the interviewer and threatens to beat him up if he tried to take the interviews to the newspaper.  I'm not kidding.  There's not even a segue between those two events other than Flash seeing the guy interviewing anyone willing to talk to microphone.

We leave that scene immediately to let you just wonder what will happen to Flash and his threat of assault to Liz asking Peter to tutor her so she can pass science class.  Flash shows up, having completely forgotten about his threat of bodily harm to someone who might as well be writing about people's twitter posts. He sees Liz happy about something Peter and threatens to beat up Peter too.   Peter just walks away and Flash says there's no point in beating up Peter in secret, he needs witnesses.  When did Flash become worse than the hired goons by the mob?

Later, after the newspaper was published, people wonder if they should change their opinion about Spider-Man because of what other random people say. For one panel.  I'm sure it was an important scene and an important panel.  To someone. I hope.

After that, Jameson is talking about the success of printing random ramblings of people on the street.  He's interrupted by some guy showing up claiming to be a psychiatrist and interested in studying Spider-Man and already says Spider-Man is mentally disturbed.  Instead of asking just how many layers of BS that nonsense sandwich has, I'm asking how much time has passed.  Had Peter tutored Liz yet?  No wonder she's failing.  Time is as solid as jelly.

But enough about sane questions and making sense of anything.  Jameson prints what the mystery psychiatrist says because why not?  It's no different from printing what other random people said.  But somehow Peter Parker takes offense at this.  Did the comic just skip the Liz plot and jump ahead a week?

Aunt May's reaction to Pater getting mad at the article?  That the news should act as a bad babysitter and shelter 18-year-olds like Peter from scary things.

So Peter storms off to find the psychiatrist to make sure the guy isn't lying.  I guess that makes as much sense as everything else going on in this comic.  So, how does Mr. I'll-prove-I'm-not-insane-and-I'll-threaten-anyone-who-says-otherwise (insert president Trump joke here) plan on finding this psychiatrist?

Flash finds Peter stomping around and looking for someone to yell at about how much he's a perfectly sane genius (insert another Trump joke here).  Peter decided the best thing to do is to distract Flash instead of asking him what he wants and pointing out beating him on in the middle of the street will get Flash arrested and then he'll never see Liz again.  Instead, Peter turns the corner and throws his Spider-flashlight up to sign above him before Flash sees him do it.  Because that makes so much more sense than talking things out or calling the police.

Yup, he just stands there until the bulb burns out

We're halfway through the comic and the actual plot shows up (after politely letting Peter change).  A very obvious hallucination shows up as Doc Ock about to attack Spider-Man.  His spider-sense isn't going off and he notices Dock ock is practically noiseless while he's usually yammering his head off.  Does he remember his first issue where he fought the Chameleon?  Do you expect someone to make sense now?

It happens two more times with Sand Man and the Vulture. Does he figure out that some of these are obviously not real?  Not in the slightest.  He actually believes he's going nuts and the psychiatrist is right.  If he still thinks they're real and just disappearing, why not think he's going deaf?

It's okay, we don't trust you, no matter what sense you use

Proving that he's just slow (really, really slow), he decides to not pursue the psychiatrist anymore and go to bed.  His own bed.  He doesn't sleep on the rooftops.

But, you've always been colored like that

He starts panicking about Aunt May finding out how much he's panicking.  This is the same person who would overreact if he was laughing at the funny pages.  So he runs away.  Aunt May just thinks he's being a teenager.  I guess running away was a good plan, given how she has the polar opposite reaction she should.

Peter changes back to his plan to bother the psychiatrist while dressed as Spider-Man.  Why? I have no idea.  He now knows where the guy lives.  How?  I have no idea.  I have no idea why and how half of anything is happening in this comic.  It's like someone illustrated a Spider-Man mad-lib.

At least he's polite about this.  It's not going to last.

Yes, he's just wandering into some guy's house just because the guy said he was mentally unstable (insert yet another President Trump joke here).  He wanders around for a bit until he sees a bright light coming from a room.  There must be something important in there that he must investigate!  When did Spider-Man become a toddler?

And what is in this amazingly interesting room?  It's upside-down, complete with a man speaking in
upside-down dialog.

Spider-Man runs away.  Again.  Or, at least, he tries.  He barely gets a few feet, then cries for help.  I guess he IS a toddler.  After three pages Spider-Man asking for help and the psychiatrist saying he can do just that, we get results we get the same scene repeated, but with Jameson.

Before Jameson actually shows up to stop the repeated 'help me doctor'-'I can help you!' we get Betty being bored and irritated she has to work overtime and Flash yelling at Jameson for printing that he and others don't like Spider-Man.

What climactic scene unfolds as Jameson, the psychiatrist, Flash, and Spider-Man meet as they all meet up for cathartic word vomit?  Is it as dramatic as what I just described?

It turns out the psychiatrist has no license.  Jameson rushed over to his house as fast as possible to yell at him about it.  I think he needs a hobby.  Besides making Spider-Man look bad.  Spider-Man can do that by himself.

Why was Jameson in such a hurry? Do you really expect an answer at this point?

Flash attacks Jameson because when you're going to get arrested, why not just keep going?  The obvious illusions show up everywhere and finally, Spider-Man can get himself not to care.  That's a new one, it's a good thing that Spidey doesn't give a crap.

Spider-Man tackles him, unmasks him to reveal Mysterio, webs him up, and forces him to give a long backstory about his plan in half a page.  I think the writer just finished this because if he didn't he couldn't go on his lunch break.

Flash is happy, Jameson is angry, the author forgot about Liz, Betty's jealous, and I give up.  The end.

WHAT THE HELL IS HE SWINGING ON COUNT: 7