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| So much silly going on here |
We start out with Spider-Man doing what Spider-Man does best. No, not crime-fighting. Complaining. Yep, he's got some bitching at a billboard of Jameson to do before he gets to any real action.
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| Happiest crime-busting ever |
The crooks seem fine with it. Mostly because they intend to sue Spider-Man for assault and battery, claiming they were just walking down the street. Hey, it's not like Spider-Man has a history of not thinking before he--wait, never mind. Carry on Mr. Lawsuit Leprechaun.
So he does, along with his friends. They all start screaming for the police to come help them and arrest Spider-Man. Come on guys, I know it's only issue four, but by now you should have learned the police are useless, if not non-existent until after a hero has solved the problem. This time it's the former, as a police officer shows up and yells at Spidey as he run away up a wall, demanding his name and address for his report. Spider-Man may care about his reputation, but it's not like he's going to do anything useful about it.
Speaking of which, instead of trying to talk to Officer Cameo or at least watch him shoo away everyone screaming for looking like they're up to no good as Spidey thought, Spider-Man decides to yell at the billboard some more. Then he decides to go bother Jameson personally and, upon finding Jameson's window unlocked and his office absent decides to leave a little 'present'. It's liek some PSA about bad decisions gone horribly awry.
After that we finally get to some heroing. By now, do we really trust him not to screw that up? He leaps into action and...asks the guy the police are chasing his name. At least he learned to ask, just not what to ask. One step at a time, Spidey. Well, Sandman isn't going to wait for Spider-Man to fix his game and walks off in the middle of Spidey's exposition about how much of a wanted criminal he is.
Spider-Man decides he gives no shits either and tries to grab Sandman and--let's just say Spider-Man's learning experiences are a bit unfortunate.
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| He's enjoying being molested by a teenager way too much |
Sadly, grabbing and punching is all Spidery knows how to do right now while Sandman has a bunch of tricks. He turns into sand, he can harden his face so the punch hurts Spidey's hand, and he can shape change to punch Spider-Man with his gut purely for a 'Look Ma! No hands.' joke. Wait, if he's made of sand and hardens, wouldn't that give him a literal glass jaw?
Thankfully that last punch sent Spider-Man flying and crashing over some rooftop building so badly when he gets up, he realizes his mask has been torn to pieces from it. Why 'thankfully', because although i results in a long panel of Spider-Man freaking out about the consequences of his identity being revealed--including imagining Aunt May having to sell shoelaces for a living--we finally move on with the story as he runs away and the comic follows Sandman's getaway and a subsequent robbery. He may be as dumb as a rock, half as handsome and made out of the same stuff, but I have yet to hear him whining.
Later...I guess...Peter's at home sewing up a new mask while watching exposition news. If only I could get that channel, I wouldn't have to ask so many questions of what the fuck is going on in comics. Or politics. Either way, I get someone's backstory as to why they're a supervillain. Backstory here is that the Sandman is actually Flint Marko, who escaped maximum security prison, only to wander into an atomic research facility and couldn't find a refrigerator to hide in.
Why was he in prison in the first place? Why was the only security around the atomic research facility an unsupervised chain-link fence? Why did Flint think such a flimsy and nearly-transparent fence was a good place to hide behind? Why are atomic research facilities lying around everywhere?
The answer to these and other questions is--oh look, it's Aunt May with a distraction. Peter throws a robe on to hide his costume--he had enough time to get out sewing supplies, but not change or even put on clothes over it?--and after a few seconds of doting over Peter being sick with no other evidence, we get back to exposition news with more unanswered questions. Now the police have cordoned off the bank with Sandman still inside. How do they know he's inside? Why do they think cordoning off the building will do any good? Which bank? Oh look, it's Aunt May with not just a distraction, but a segue into a new scene.
She spends about a page worrying about Peter getting over his 'sickness' and makes up several others he can catch because she doesn't have enough grandma cliches to worry about. After that we get to Peter arriving at the Bugle just after Jaemson found his 'present'. Don't worry, it's not poop, but webbing lying around all this time just to stick him to his chair. Wait, wouldn't it have dissolved a long time ago? Well, at least Peter's nice enough to bring Jameson a new pair of pants,webbing free.
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| Now Jonah needs an adult |
Even though Aunt May confirmed Peter doesn't have a fever, something really seems wrong with him. He bothers to learn Jameson's pants size and takes the time to bring him new pants, then asks for an advance to be paid when he previously told Jameson he'd never get more pictures, then he heads to school, having missed half the day, but is more concerned with having to cancel a date, getting stuck carrying an umbrella, and being punished for slacking off in class. It's not even detention, yet to him it might as well be a walk of shame--unlike him, let's be thankful we don't get naked underage Peter Marching down a street continuing his bitching. Peter makes it to the boiler room to drop off the trash, all the while thinking the underpaid, constantly insulted, and paying out-of-pocket janitor has it made as all he needs to think about is setting up the new giant vacuum cleaner.
I guess in this issue we get the Whiny Obvious Spider-Man.
Meanwhile Sandman decides a high school is a great place to hide from the cops. At this point you might as well move on to the next blog post. For someone trying to hide, he does a pretty poor job of it, barging into a full classroom where even the principal is. But at least he's not intimidated. He marches right up the principal because he never got a diploma. Just as the principal is about to get the snot kicked out of him for saying someone can't graduate high school by cheating(I'm betting that's deja vu for him about the last time he was in high school), Peter shows up, having changed into his Spider-Man outfit. No, it was't his spider-sense or him cluing in that other people have worse problems than he does, he just heard the noise just before opening the door so he changed somewhere. And so they fight, moving all over the school and...yeah, I'm pretty sure you've move onto the next blog. I'll see if there's anything interesting left in this comic.
Fighting...fighting...repeat of move Spider-Man already knew wouldn't work from last fight...fighting...blablabla...fighting...sandshifting....finally this happens.
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| Does this count as a fetish? Does anyone need an adult? Because I feel like I do. |
The Sand-Spider ball rolls down the stairs and into the basement. So much for excitement, Spider-Man grabs a drill--wait drill? Is this excitement at last? No, it's just a way to fill up a page and a distraction to turn sandman into sand, since he turned human after crashing down the stairs. Spider-Man vaccuums up Sandman. But he forgot to take pictures! Will we see him learn to buckle down and start planning for fights? No, he just fakes the pictures, using normal sand left around in the basement with no lid for because padding.
Speaking of padding, Jameson came all the way to the high school to bitch about Spider-Man. Then, because they can't even stretch that out long enough, he has to bitch at Parker for random money reasons too.
T top it all off, Peter tries to uncancel his date with Liz, who refuses. Flash tries to start a fight over it and Peter is too dumb or can't control his powers enough not to hurt him and reveal his super strength, and every laughs at him. So he goes home, listening to kids at school call him lame, everyone reading the papers say he's actually awesome despite what's printed, and he whines some more about giving up. No one learns anything, even without a diploma Sandman seems to be the smartest person in the comic half the time, and I swear he's now less responsible than he was before.
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It's Marvel's favorite and most useless vampire. It's Morbius in the Marvel Rebooted Universe.
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