Spider-Douchery #21: The Human Torch and The Beetle

And the Beetle's outfit just gets dumber from here

What is it with animal themed villains?  I'm not complaining. Doctor Octopus, The Scorpion, heck the new MCU vulture looks awesome.  No more pajamas.

As for this one...I've been spoiled by the Japanese.  There are so many things one can do with a beetle and so far the most creative Marvel authors have done is to give him weird frog fingers as shown above or make his legacy villain a woman (that's about as close to gender equality as Slott can get without throwing a tantrum).

Our story starts out with the former Beetle leaving prison with his armored Beetle suit. I can't see this going right at all.

Neither can Johny Storm, who's out on a date.  He sees a headline stating the Beetle is out of prison--I guess despite his rivalry, he doesn't read the Bugle's anti-Spider-Man news--and freaks out.

Why isn't owning an armored costume illegal already in the Marvelverse?

See, he's already fought the Beetle once after he took over Strange Tales for himself.

"Sorry about setting your dress and that newsstand on fire!"

Meanwhile, Peter Parker is being boring.  I guess that's better than being a douche.  For the first time in... I guess ever...Peter's studying.  And then, after one panel of that in all of 21 comics, he decides to call it quits and go have fun being Spider-Man.

People on the street see Spider-Man webslinging about.  And he was so well disguised in bright red and blue, too.  The people freak out, terrified of Spider-Man.  In the Cartoons, normally I'd say this is all because of Jameson or Venom or Mysterio or some sort of mind-control or alternate reality or something.  But in this context?  I'd be afraid too.

Then the Human Torch flies past and everyone's happy again.  New York

back then all seem to have ADD.

Spider-Man whines about The Human Torch getting all the attention instead of paying attention to the supervillain who's about to attack the Torch.  His spider-sense must be really self-centered to miss that.

Too bad he doesn't have some sort of spider-sense...wait a minute

The Human Torch goes to catch up with his girlfriend, who went home and he tries to apologize.  She won't accept it because she's humiliated that her boyfriend is a superhero. Well, then stop dating him; there's obviously lots of other women who don't have this problem.  She doesn't care and tells him to flame off.

Why can't you just let someone get murdered now and then?

Meanwhile, The Beetle has been spying on them through the window.  Somehow they never hear the heavy thump of an armored suit or noticed the bright purple and green guy watching them. I'm starting to wonder if these superheroes were disabled with only partial vision or hearing, and that just wasn't' considered bad enough to qualify as handicapped back then.  It could have made for and interesting character.  But they're probably just so mad at each other over stuff they shouldn't be mad about to pay attention to what's important.

The next day The Human Torch's girlfriend is out shopping.  Because there's nothing else women like to do outside of the house back then.  A couple of idiots make her drop her things, but luckily that single panel was the only time Peter Parker bothers to study for this issue (and more), so he happens to run into her and helps her gather her things.  What's he doing?  Who knows, guys didn't like shopping back then.

As she leaves, Peter notices she dropped her wallet.  If only clothing designers trusted women with pockets made to hold things bigger than a quarter.  Sadly, that's not a joke, it's the state of most clothes for women these days.

Peter, being a nice guy, decides to take the wallet to the police look at the address on her ID and stalk her by following her home.  She calls the police thinks he's a wonderful, responsible, and caring person, unlike her boyfriend who wanted to catch a criminal before he hurt someone.  this is why you never made it into the movies, lady.   Yep, you're not good enough of a character to be any of three disasters.

What exactly is she wearing?

Like all rivals, The Human Torch has to outdo Peter.  This time, as a creepy stalker taking something way too far.  He demands to know who the guy is that just left his girlfriend's house and then finds out where he works to yell at him there.  I know this is the 60's, but a woman can't have male friends without her boyfriend screening them first?  I can't tell if this is over-the-top parody of something or a weird statement against one of the two (or more) genders.  Or is there something in the water or is everyone taking crazy pills in a panel I missed?

The Human Torch, more human than torch at this time, tells Peter to stay away from 'his girl' in front of Betty.  If you think the men in this comic are being overblown caricatures of jerkiness, remember: It's not early Spider-Man unless there are TWO women fighting for the gold medal of passive aggressiveness.  Since Betty is the only one who goes to the same place to work, she decides to take up the role ad gets mad someone says Peter's interested in another girl.  she doesn't jump to conclusions, she flies.

What is she shopping for?  A gremlin?

Betty Peter tries to explain and comfort Betty, but she refuses to listen and runs off. Peter yells at The Human Torch but soon decides to do even better...or worse.  He acts worse, but he's certainly better at being his usual assholishness.  He decides to become Spider-Man purely for the purpose of hitting on the woman he was falsely accused of hitting on.

I don't read The Human Torch's stuff, but is he some sort or relationship expert?  If not, why listen to him?

Fortunately, the villain is there.  Wow, it's a bad story when the reader goes 'oh good, the murderous sociopath finally returned'.  The Beetle tackles Spider-Mana and throws him at a tree to knock him out.  Isn't Spider-Man supposed to get his spider-sense back by now?  And doesn't he stick to things, like armored bodysuits?

While I'm at it, I'll figure out what this hand gesture means

After getting thrown around, Spider-Man asks himself this question too.  He decided to fight using his actual powers and his wits. When he runs out of those, he just tries to punch The Beetle.

The woman calls up her boyfriend, the Human Torch, but he has even fewer wits and thinks she's playing a practical joke on him.  He decides to come over anyway, but as slowly as possible to drag out the comic so the writer doesn't have to write a plot that makes sense instead.  After more fighting in which Spider-Man still forgets how his powers work, the Beetle breaks into the woman's house and flies off with her.  It's the 60's, we gotta keep everything rated G right now.

Spider-Man tries to follow the Beetle, but The Human Torch shows up to waste time with their usual fight.  Spider-Man smartly runs away after the Beetle, hoping The Human Torch has ADHD and will get distracted by the bad guy soon.  If only The Beetle were shiny.

Meanwhile, Jameson is complaining Peter hasn't brought in any photos for days and Betty ignores him because some random stranger yelling saying Peter was interested in another woman is just too horrible to let her carry on with her life. For a fleeting moment, she considers there might be a reasonable explanation and she calls up Aunt May and asks if Peter is home.  Aunt May says he's not home, so Betty hangs up and breaks into tears.

The comic returns to Spider-Man and The Human Torch, the latter of whom has finally become distracted by the Beetle and his hostage.  Spider-Man and The Human Torch get in each other's way trying to take down the Beetle at the same time and predictably complain about it.  Then...I don't know

Why is he throwing waffles?

They team up and capture the Beetle.

Now that that's over, Peter start whining about how he has problems and The Human Torch doesn't.  Then he runs off with the couple wondering what the hell is going on.

So..is he dead?

WHAT THE HELL IS HE SWINGING ON COUNT: 5
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