Spider-Douchery # 25: Robo-Jameson

That's a lot less kinky than I thought it would be.

I think Robo-Jaemson needs to lose some weight

We start with the writer saying 'Oh right, I wrote that last issue didn't I?' and attempting to make himself not look like an idiot.  It doesn't work.  The writer has no idea how tutoring or teenagers work, so he begins the comic with Peter leaving Liz's house telling her he hopes she 'digs those formulae'. I'm really hoping this is just a badly written joke about how much of an oblivious nerd Peter is.

Then his Spider-Sense comes back after taking a several comic-long vacation.  So he decided to go get his Spider-Suit from the rooftop where he left it. Because no one else in New York ever goes to their roof apparently.

Is he trying to be Deadpool before Deadpool?  Is that why his suit turned into a condom?

And then he goes home.  Oh, helped a cop stop some carjackers.  By barely getting involved.  Indirectly involved.  But he helped!

No, his time is better spent sewing.  And being more boring than actually watching someone sew.

Eventually, he at least gets back to something he should be showing us: doing his job...which Betty gets mad about.  Why does he like her at all again?  they bicker until Peter says 'hey what's that?'

Instead of a bad gag trying to ape Looney Tunes, he actually means it.  Some random person is dragging a robot onto the floor of a newspaper.  That's what we read Spider-Man for, 'I love you too, let's fight, hey, a robot's here to make things interesting!'

Jameson says he quit mad scientists cold turkey and no, he doesn't want to try the Mad Scientist patch.  Peter decides this is somehow a great way to get back at Jameson so he convinces Jameson to at least see if the robot can do something entertaining to nerds.  Which Betty gets mad about as well.

At least this time she explains why she's acting like she ate a bowl of MeaniO's today.  She's mad because she thinks all this is because Peter wants to see Spider-Man defeated for good.  Maybe Peter just wants money for his aunt and he likes robots since he's a science nerd?  Ever think of that because he's told you both of those?

Jameson thanks Peter for volunteering for learning about the robot and laughs when the robot suddenly grabs Peter with a dozen or so tentacles.

No robo

I know there's very little humor so far.  That's because there's very little of anything but aggravation in reading this.  Somehow the writer and artist did the same thing they do every comic, but this time it's just way more of a chore to get through.

Betty storms off, James got bored halfway through and wandered off, and finally, Peter leaves.  Good. Now can we have an interesting scene?  Or maybe all the cast will quit and we can start a new comic.

Nope.  Peter goes to school and Liz runs up to him and starts hitting on him  Flash immediately assumes they're going out.  Does anyone actually do any schooling in school?  all I've seen are Peter saying he's a genius and Liz saying she needs tutoring. For all I know, the school is a front for drug cooking and she forgot when meth was street ready.

"I'll never talk to you again...again!"

Liz tells Flash to stop insisting they're dating and not to start fights.  Then she leaves, probably because she's as bored as I am, and like any sane woman would want to, get the hell away from the creep.  Flash then insists he's dating Liz to Peter and that means he wants to start a fight.  Are we sure this is Flash and not Hydroman from the Cartoon?

All throughout school, Peter is jumpy, as explained by his classmates, who disappear next panel.  They think it's because Flash said he'd fight Peter after school (even though Peter already said 'Hard Pass').  He's actually jumpy because he expects a robot to come after him because the robot is programmed to seek out spiders.  Even if we excuse the comic book logic of a robot hunting down spider DNA in a person, why send it to a school?  Heck, how would anyone, especially Jameson, think Spider-Man had Spider DNA? Does he think wolverine has Wolverine DNA?

Speaking of such nonsense

The question the comic does answer is how to make Jameson's head appear as a screensaver on the robot's chest.  I'm sure that answers some questions.  Probably ones no one cares about.  It certainly doesn't answer 'How do you make Spider-Man fight off a tentacled Jamesonbot interesting?'  I'm pretty sure there's a lot of porn out there that can answer that question, but finding the answer is not worth a visit from the FBI.

Speaking of (the FBI visit, not the hentai), Jameson and the scientist was adjusting the robot in his office in front of Betty.  No, she doesn't realize she's been a bitch to Peter and now is the time to apologize and ask him to take photos that can be used against Jameson when reporting him to the authorities.

To add more stupid to this mess (because why not?), James can see everything on the robot's body cam.  He's happy the robot is tracking down Spider-Man. How in the world would he know it's doing that?  He sees the robot going to the school, wouldn't he be angry the thing is malfunctioning and warranting an FBI visit in the comic?

Peter nervously watches for the robot, which rudely arrives a few minutes before school is out.  Does he do anything clever like trick Flash into fighting it? Of course not, because this issue hates anything close to entertainment.  No, he doesn't even try to sneak his way out, he leaves with all the subtlety of dynamite fishing.  In a holy water font.

But enough of that. Flash gets mad at Peter for ditching a fight he never agreed to, Liz chases after Flash because she's mad at Flash for fighting when she told him not to, and several classmates chase after them.  More people start following the robot, who isn't smart enough to get around all the kids (because a chase has to be in single file), because Jameson shouted that Spider-Man was (or maybe a  spider, like the robot was programmed to find?) It's like Benny Hill if someone sucked all the humor out of it.

This guy seems way too happy for wanting to see two people beat the crap out of each other

Peter turns the corner and spider-jumps to the rooftop before flash sees him.  Instead of following the kids, the robot follows Peter.  Jameson wonders why the robot is climbing to the roof of a building--wait, what?  Why was he complaining a few panels ago?  He's not steering it, so why did he yell at the kids to get out of his way?  What did he expect to see?

So Peter changes into Spider-Man...of course he does.  Because any reason to waste time is exactly what he wants to do. And so do the others. Flash has to stop the group and explain that helping Spider-Man is more important than beating up Peter (which is still important to him for some reason), but reporting the incident, ganging up on the robot, crowd control, and calling the police or ambulances are out of the question.

Spider-Man decides he's just as bored with all this nonsense and filler and that the only way to end this and move onto a more entertaining (though probably almost as stupid) plot is to defeat the robot.  I'd make a joke about him being a genius, but everyone in this comic has lowered the bar, so I'll let him keep the title. Barely clinging to the title, he decides to fight the robot in the middle of the street.  don't report it or take pictures or get the police's attention or get the hell out of the way of civilians, Spidey, right here in the middle of traffic is a perfect solution.

Neither Jameson nor flash see anything wrong with this either, so, screw it, let's end this (i hope).

I...I have no idea

When whatever that is doesn't work, he tries throwing a webnet.  That doesn't work.  Robo-Jason uses tentacles.  It's not very effective.  So Spidey takes the fight back to the rooftops even though he said he wanted the whole thing to end in the street.

Right, very convincing

I'm still giving him the credit for being a genius this issue as it took all this time for Betty to realize she can stop the robot by unplugging the machine.  Does she accomplish anything after this revelation?  If getting her as kicked out of the room and wasting our time counts, then yes.  she then goes on to bitch about how she never even liked Spider-Man and bla bla bla how Peter owes Spider-Man out of the blue and why won't Peter pick up his phone?

No, really.  She tries calling Peter to go help Spider-Man five times.  Why?  I have no idea at this point.  There's filler by Flash, Liz, and Robojameson for a full page until we return to Betty.  and, since we can't have her without paranoia about a guy who has barely talked to her and hating Liz, let's have that scene.  Why not?  It's not like this comic is trying to accomplish anything at this point.

the two women give snide comments and they both head over to Peter's house.  Why Liz does, I have no clue.  Frankly, I really wish these two actually did have an argument over Peter. It'd flesh out the characters, it'd have an impact on both of them, and there'd be a point to either of them.  so far they're both running gags that were never funny.  Plus a knife fight would be really entertaining right about now.

Speaking of running gags, the girls are introduced to the running gag of Peter never seeing Mary Jane and the reader never seeing her face.  The women see Mary Jane as super gorgeous and leave.  Both women leave, not wanting this comic to waste their time.  Now, can it stop wasting the reader's time?

Everyone else agrees and leaves.  Only Flash is left waiting, probably not knowing where he is right now, for Peter to come back to a fight he never agreed to.  Meanwhile, Spider-Man decides to take a stand against RoboJameson. No, I didn't backtrack, the writer just reused the same plotpoint, if you can call it that.

Don't worry, Spidey.  Everyone's a lunk-head in this comic.

Then, Spidey, who I remind you is actually Peter Parker, the genius, gets a brilliant idea: turn the robot off.  I hope it works for him, because every time I turn this comic off and restart it, I get the same thing.

So then Jameson takes a taxi to see Spider-Man captured. Why not have a camera in the robot to take the picture?  Because the writers hate us.  so he climbs all the way to the top of some building, breaking who knows how many safety and property laws, and sees Spider-Man captured by the robot.

Does he stop to make sure Spider-Man is making a quip or even moving?  Nope.  Why would you expect someone, not to be an idiot in this story?  He takes off Spider-Man's maks and finds the costume is hollow.  How is it held together?.  Why doen't he notice Peter a few meters away moving the thing with only two thin spiderweb lines?

Who cares?  It's over.  Finally.


WHAT THE HELL IS HE SWINGING ON COUNT: 2