He's part of a concentration/prison camp that was recently taken over by the Soviets.
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| One a day? Sounds like the happiest concentration camp ever |
His..commander? Commissioner? Big Fat Guy In Charge asks him how the prisoners are escaping.
This story takes place back when we had radioactive cigarettes
To make the plan to uncover the escape route, Big Fat Guy In Charge, literally kicks Chernak out the door.
He's forced to be starved and worked to death (if he's lucky), and eventually, someone takes him aside and says they trust him. He's shown that one prisoner hides in the coffin of whoever recently died and at night someone digs them up when the guards aren't patrolling the graveyard.
He also overhears that Tullski, the vegetable man, takes in the runaway prisoners and helps them keep from being caught.
So, when he's sent to fetch vegetables for Big Fat Guy In Charge, he explains everything he's learned. But they need proof! They need to catch someone in the act. Also, Big Fat Guy In Charge's stomach is bothering him and has been for a while.
Big Fat Guy In Charge says to make the next beating look like Chernak barely survived so he can convincingly beg to be the next guy smuggled in the coffins.
Everything goes as planned and we're back in the present...well, we're back where we started.
Chernak is waiting to be dug up and as the hours pass, all he can hear are rats digging at the grave in hunger. Chernak lights a match for comfort and to see if he can tell if he's being rescued or to signal someone (after all, he's still on the side of the guys in charge).
It turns out the dead guy is Big Fat Guy Formerly In Charge. Chernak remembers Tullshi saying 'eat my vegetables and you'll stop worrying about the pain.' It turns out the guy working for the other side, was, in fact, working for the other side.
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| The story doesn't explain the miniskirt or pink gloves |
He's also wearing what looks like a mini-skirt and pink gloves. I'm not going to judge your lifestyle, dude, but I don't think you should wear that in the operating room.
He blames his lover, Geraldine, for demanding nice things when he was just out of med school. He also blames himself for loving her and getting into this mess. He's a dumbass, not an ass.
She wanted a mink coat and a car of her own, but he couldn't afford them on his salary. She says she knows someone who knows someone who might need a surgeon so long as he or she could keep their mouth shut.
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| You may want to leave this part out next time if you want a sympathetic story |
He agrees, mainly because she plays the 'you don't love me, I'm leaving' card. He swears it's the only time he'll do it.
In the end, he can't stand himself or live with keeping the dirty money, so he throws it away in lieu of throwing away the horrible memory. He runs to Geraldine and expresses his need to complete cleaning his conscience. She, however, is all 'You threw away money? But it's money! Money!!$!$!$!'
She finds the money and runs back to him. He thinks she's happy to be rich with him, while she's happy to be rich. So he takes another job and swears tHIS time will be the last. And another job, and another, etc.
She's happy with money and hasn't left him and he's happy she has money and hasn't left him. I wonder when he started cross-dressing.
One day, one of his former clients comes to him and says he's been in a shoot-out with the police. He's fine, but the woman with him is in bad shape and needs a surgeon immediately.
He agrees to save her life and when the crook brings her in and sets her on the operating table he can't believe it--It's Geraldine! So, was she cheating on him, a friend of the crook's, or did she never get her own car?
She begs him to save her life and not to leave her. He promises not to, but that he can't keep fixing up criminals, including her. So he stabs himself--with a teeny tiny scalpel--and they both die because the plot gave up, I guess.
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| He pulled off the gloves to the end. I don't think he has the hips for the skirt, though. |
The story starts with some guy being strangled. Oh, it's over, moving on.
No, it's just someone pulling a pre-emptive Homer Simpson. Aptly named Strangler is strangling a guy named Benny as a warning. He thinks Benny is going to take the getaway car without him and leave him to the cops.
...And that's exactly what happens. Criminals need better Uber drivers.
Someone manages to sneak up on Benny while he plans to move to the other side of the country while keeping a low profile. It's not the Strangler, it's some guy warning him that The Strangler is out to get him. Gee, you think he couldn't have figured that out on his own?
He travels for a week, attempting suicide out of fear, but never having the guts to go through with it.
Later he gets calls from The Strangler. The Strangler keeps saying he's coming for him and tells Benny where he is (what city).
So Benny makes a bomb and...no, wait..Yes, Benny makes a bomb. He handcuffs himself to the radiator and sets up a bomb for when The Strangler has promised to come and kill him.
Just then he hears on the radio that The Strangler died in an automobile accident. But he can't reach the bomb to turn it off.
And so he dies, finally able to kill himself. I guess.
Johnny lives alone and likes to mess with homemade electronics. No, he's not the WOW guy from Southpark. Maybe in a few years if he focuses on gaining weight.
Right now he's focusing on his radio. And bullshit
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| Penn & Teller found this too stupid for their show |
He goes on to hear dinosaurs...over his radio.
(Picture--I don't think this is a controlled experiment)
He hears the first sounds of the first humans...pardon me, but, uh, which species exactly are we talking here?
He hears screams as people are murdered by Ghengis Khan. I guess one could recognize this if they were a linguist. Though wouldn't most words be 'argh' and 'ow' and 'no' or 'yuck!' (Ghengis threw cows laden with disease over walls to make those inside surrender--or just die)?
H hears medieval jousts and WWI battles. Quite a time skip there. Shouldn't he notice?
But this isn't enough for him. Nor is it a reason to prove, patent, and sell his great discovery. Some people are just never satisfied.
No, he wants to hear sounds from the future.
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| Dinosaur: Chirp! Chirp! CHIRP! |
And then he realizes it's time for Not Bullshit because he actually does have a life and is supposed to go to a poker game.
He tells his poker buddies about listening to the future weather report. His buddies are nice enough not to tell him that makes no sense scientifically, and just decide to show him he's being stupid by betting the future report is wrong.
Then, it hits him--he could use this breakthrough to get money
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Because everyone announces the date and year when they realize it's tomorrow. Don't you? |
He only goes into betting on immediate events. He doesn't try to create world peace or manipulate the economy or anything.
Then, one day...
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| Do people announce obituaries like this regularly? |
He decides to kill himself with a quick and as painless death as he can give himself instead of waiting to be burned to death in an explosion.
As he falls to the floor, the phone rings.
It's his friends on the other end, waiting to laugh at him about their fake broadcast after they found the specific wavelength he was listening to. Why not also make money like him? Who the hell knows, the comic's over.
While there's a common theme of suicide in this set of stories, I think there's a deeper one of fear. Either you should be afraid of everyone around you and listen to the first thing that sounds mildly about the future anyone says, or you already do--either way, it's your downfall.
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It's Marvel's favorite and most useless vampire. It's Morbius in the Marvel Rebooted Universe.
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